A couple years ago, I was listening to a teacher talking about embodying your sexual opposite.
The idea was to experiment with taking on the identity that you hate the most.
I knew what mine was.
I knew what sexual archetype ABSOLUTELY disgusted me.
It was the image of a Playboy Bunny-esque type of woman, saying in this sly, submissive voice, “I like that Daddy.”
My entire body convulsed.
No way could I embody that. I was NOT THAT.
I did not want to be that.
I had sooooo much judgement around it.
But I was newly talking to Jordan, so I decided to try it, just to see what it would feel like.
I never said it out loud to him. But as we would FaceTime, I would play with feeling it in my whole entire body: “Yes, Daddy.”
I wanted to squirm away from it, honestly.
But my sheer amount of discomfort made me curious.
Little did I know that this was a man who was very familiar with that dynamic.
A few weeks later, on a late-night Skype call, he ordered me to “push my hair back.”
My entire body dropped into my pussy. It was like my mind suddenly didn’t exist anymore.
I had never felt anything like it – it felt like anything he said, I would automatically do, just from the force of his energy.
Just from my own, newly-embodied approval of my own submission.
He brought me to orgasm on that call. And we hadn’t even met in person yet.
Fast forward… and having a Daddy/little girl dynamic is a staple of my current sex life.
There is nothing that turns me on faster, more immediately… than the thing that I thought I hated the most.
Disgust is different than neutrality.
I don’t have an interest in tying Jordan to the bed, but not because I’m disgusted by it. I could do it, I’m in approval of it, it’s just not that interesting to me.
Disgust is a whole-body reaction.
And it often points to something you desire…
of which you are not yet in approval.