I have been called Selfish more times than I can count.
Self-centered. Unaccommodating. Uncompromising. A bitch.
All words that people who do not have boundaries will throw at you when you set your own.
They will say them because it will trigger the fuck out of the fact that they do not know what it means to set their own.
I have set some of the hardest boundaries of my life recently.
And I will tell you: it hurts deeply to have them be misunderstood.
To have my caring about myself be twisted around into a story about how I do not care about others.
When I was a child I was not taught where others began and I ended.
And that little girl in me gets so activated by being called those names.
She wants to rush over, abandon herself, make sure everybody knows she loves them and she is a good person.
But I don’t do that anymore.
So instead I teach her. I teach her where my life is my own. Where my body is my own. Where my deepest knowing and intuition is the most important thing there is.
I show her where the thread of truth is. The truth, independent of the opinion of others, independent of my stories about everyday life.
The more I set boundaries – the more I say, this is where I end, and you begin; this is what I need – the more it hurts.
The more it feels like I lose love.
But the more I tend to my own needs, the more I am willing to take on the labels of Selfish and all of the above…. the more I feel this deeply rooted sense of safety in my body.
This little baby fire that grows as I care for it. This sense of: oh, here I am.
This is me.
This is what it feels like to be me.
This is what it feels like to trust myself completely.
I have had many moments lately of lying on the floor, walking down the street, and being overcome with this rush of peace in my own body.
Of how much energy is freed up, when my needs are met. When my boundaries are protected. When I am not leaking myself all over the place to “help” others.
Funnily enough, this is what actually allows me to do my work.
I have more people in my energy right now than I have ever had before. Such deep transformation is happening.
I think what happened was that it actually became impossible for me to do the work I am doing and to NOT set clearer boundaries.
I couldn’t be holding what I am otherwise.
And what I am beginning to really deeply understand is that being Selfish – literally, taking care of yourself first – is the only thing that gives the ability to create, to be in service.
And even if it didn’t.
This feeling of total love for myself. Trust in myself and my life. Ability to hold myself through anything.
It would still be worth it.