We crave the things that are bad for us

Every few months, my victimized inner teenager will win and I’ll have a pizza binge.

Pizza makes my body very sick.

I’ve been eating a specific diet this year. Not an overly-restricted, no-exceptions kind of diet – but more a “I have to admit that my body no longer tolerates certain foods” kind of diet.

It is so closely related to the inner work I’ve done this year. As more parts of me drop away, and the more I tune into my own energy, the more my body demands that I respect my own needs.

Most of the time this is fine. I can eat the exceptions here and there, as long as they’re small bits, and it’s not a big deal.

But every so often I get this massive urge to ruin it all.

“I just want to be a normal human,” the voice whines. “I just want to eat pizza and watch shitty tv and not do so much processing work. Normal human sounds more fun.”

And occasionally I give in.

I think, “I just want it. This time won’t be so bad. I just need one night of eating it.”

Last night that happened and I ate two pieces of pizza and deep fried chicken wings.

I felt okay, immediately after.

Feeling okay didn’t satisfy my need to rebel.

So instead of being content… I ate two more pieces of pizza.

Almost immediately, my stomach revolted.

I had to really sit with this pattern.

And I noticed that part of me really enjoys it.

Some part of me looooves the “being bad” feeling.

The “rebelling” feeling.

The “I know I am harming my body” feeling.

And she even loves the consequence of it.

The intense pain.

The being on the toilet for hours.

The nausea. The puking in the trash can.

The energy drain that accompanies wasting it away on all of that.

I used to immediately then spiral into “I’m so terrible, I know better,” endless self-criticism.

She enjoyed that too.

I don’t spiral anymore.

Now I just sit on the toilet with this part of myself and pick her up and neutrally say, “Yep, we chose this. This is what happens. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts, since clearly we love this process so much.”

I’ve had the same thing with coffee, last year. Then alcohol.

My body is just like – want to do the work you’re doing in the world? Then stop treating your energy like shit.

This pattern is leaving. It happens less and less.

And in the meantime… I’m just letting myself enjoy it.

We often crave the things that we know are bad for us.

That’s because part of us LOVES alllll of the so-called “bad” feelings that we get to feel because of it.

Rejecting this part just makes it stronger. Rejecting it means it will do it again and again and again.

Being in approval of it, though…

Being in approval means that you get to enjoy what you’ve created.

What you secretly wanted in the first place.

The pattern becomes a lot less interesting after that.