This body wants sex.
A week ago or so something happened and my desire for sex just fully unlocked.
I don’t know what it was. A culmination of a lot of things, I think. Years of work with sexual energy and the dismantling of conditioning and suddenly I am feeling my pure desire.
And maybe just eating. A fully nourished body wants sex.
The feeling has been very similar to how I’ve felt with food. Where it is like – what if I allow myself to have more than enough? What if I really have as much as I want?
Uncovering my hunger and really seeing it has been terrifying because it feels like it might never go away. Will never be satiated.
Better to just keep it under wraps.
My friend @olivialaraowen led us in a workshop today called FROTH.
All this sexual energy flowing through my body had me orgasm just from dancing, moving, just thrusting my hips.
It flowed through like maybe it would never end.
And at the end I laid on my mat on the floor on my back. With my legs open, feet on the floor, knees open.
And suddenly I was transported to Greece.
Where I have been before.
I could smell the incense and heard them shaking the water and the songs in a language I cannot understand.
And I felt this so clearly through my body: this desire is HOLY.
For years I have felt a kind of freedom with sex. But a lot of it was laced with a “fuck you,” it had a lot of rebellion. An I’m not allowed to have this so watch me have it anyway.
And that was what I led with. In business in my image in my writing. A fighting type of energy that women should be allowed to enjoy sex.
But not until this week has that desire felt suddenly cleaned out.
No longer laced with a fuck you.
No getting off on the rebellion.
But just a clear “I want this.”
I think Jordan and I have had more sex this week than we’ve had in the past couple months combined.
There are no more narratives running through my mind. Like “I’m too tired,” “he should initiate more,” “I don’t want to explain what I want,” “I just need xyz to feel open.”
Just all gone.
And today as I lay on the floor and I could see this white light.
Connecting me to this universe. To god as a woman. The feminine.
Coursing through my body straight from the sky into the earth.
And I heard all the church sounds around me and I felt my sex.
My pleasure as mine.
No rebellion. Just truly sacred.
I could feel how I am just allowed to want it.
And I am allowed to fill up on it.
I rarely use the word holy but this came through so strongly.
Just dropped right into my body.
That this is truly holy.