The other day I had a doctor tell me that my eating disorder weight was “perfect.”
I had just gotten done telling him my story.
I had told him that through my journey I felt like my body was the happiest somewhere around 170. It was easy to move around, joyful, I had energy, my periods were easy. And so I estimate that I had been about 40 lbs underweight my entire adult life.
I told him this to explain the significance of this – of being that underfed – and to share that I think my body gained more than that to feel safe and I am ok with that.
He raised his eyebrow and I thought, here we go.
He said, how tall are you again?
I said, 5’3”.
This was a very thin man.
He then said… “well, *I’m* 5’9” and I weigh 163, so, I would say 5’3 and 133 would have been Perfect.”
It was actually so funny because in my transmission at Burst last weekend I talked about being Perfect.
Trying to be the perfect daughter and sister and student and girl.
How that was my whole life.
I just looked at him and said, oh?
He said yes, and continued on to tell me that he used to dance, and so he got very good at guessing the weights of girls, and they were not ballerinas so they didn’t have eating disorders, and most girls my height were 110, 120.
And I really get it. In high school I remember my BMI at 133 lbs being on the high end of normal and trying to imagine how I could get it lower, and how I was not normal.
Now I was not seeing this man to talk about my weight (or my food, and as you can imagine he asked lots of questions about that too, searching for all the sugar I must eat 🤣). He was an osteopath and I wanted him to look at the alignment of my body.
So I just looked at him and said what felt to me like the most obvious statement in the world: I think all bodies are different.
He reiterated that he weighed much less than me, but he was taller.
I actually had a really nice appointment after that and found him very knowledgeable. I am finding that I am really in this place with doctors and people in general lately – I just don’t need them to get it. If he had kept going I would have said, ok, enough. I stay open and firm and don’t get defensive. But I was pretty clear I was not interested in the talk about weight or food and we moved on.
I am sharing this with you not to shame this man (though maybe to laugh at it a little, because, it was just so absurd)
But because I want you to really look at these photos.
The first photo is me today, somewhere around 245 lbs.
In the orange, the second photo, I weigh 163 lbs, the same weight as the doctor.
In the third, I weigh somewhere just over 170.
In the fourth I weigh the “perfect” weight of 133.
I want you to draw your own conclusions.
Because I think it is fucked that society thinks I am overweight in the middle two photos.
I was so terrified to be that weight. My whole life I thought 165, 170 was so fat.
170 made me a size XL.
My mom thought she was so fat at that weight. She was horrified by it.
I would never have “let myself go” to get to that point.
I’m not trying to convince you that 245 is the best weight for my body.
But I will tell you that I deeply know it is the right weight for me right now.
I know this because my body took me here and then it promptly stopped gaining weight.
I did not change how much I ate. (And I know, because I tracked to see.)
It just stopped.
I have no idea if my body will be this weight forever.
Some of it is from retaining water.
It’s really not my business what weight my body decides is good for it.
As I move into nourishing my body more and more, doing bodywork, finding someone to work with me on foods for fertility, personal trainer, gentle movement… I have been very clear with everyone that I am satisfied with my weight.
I trust my weight.
I trust my body will lose it if she decides it is best for her to.
I love my boobs at this weight so I really don’t mind 🤣
But I will tell you that I am never going back to 133.
That, for me and my body, is my starving
No matter what height I am.
And from the women in my containers who I have seen gain 10, 20, 30, 40 lbs….
Which sounded like soooooo much to me a year ago
Once they start listening to their hunger
I will tell you that every woman has become happier, more radiant, more in her body, and is just glowing.
You don’t need to be as skinny as you think you need to be.
And I wish I had known that, when I was 13.