The first time I finally felt full – crying while eating a burger

On Sunday after a long day at the spa we went to get burgers. ⁣

I looked at the menu. ⁣

Last time we were at this place I built my own burger with only my approved ingredients and I got a lettuce bun. ⁣
Lettuce buns are so sad I just want you to know. ⁣

This time I looked at the options and I said: I want a poutine burger. A combo. Fries and pop. ⁣

A tiny part of my mind said: you will never finish that. Whenever you have ordered something like this you cannot eat it it is so overwhelming. And it will make your stomach hurt. ⁣

But I have done a lot of fucking work the last 5 months and that part of my mind was much quieter compared to the desire of my body. ⁣

I am hungry. ⁣
I want a poutine burger and fries and pop. ⁣

When the food came I felt it briefly again. ⁣

A hashbrown. A beef patty. An onion ring. Cheese curds. Gravy and bbq sauce and house sauce dripping everywhere. ⁣

“You won’t be able to it eat it” it teased me. ⁣

And I shoved that voice down and said that’s not what I do anymore. ⁣

And I fucking ate it and halfway through I realized it was EASY to eat. ⁣

This thing that would have been so intimidating months ago. ⁣

That has been intimidating for the past ten years of my life. ⁣
I would never have ordered something like this ever. ⁣

I looked at Jordan and I just burst into tears. ⁣

And then this song came on that was one of my family’s vacation songs when I was younger and I just cried even harder. ⁣

My whole life flashing in front of my eyes. ⁣

My determination to finally fucking eat. ⁣

I am winning. There is me and the eating disorder and I am now louder. ⁣

I ate the entire burger. All the fries. An entire glass of sprite. And then I ordered ice cream in a cone and I ate that too. ⁣

And then to top it all off⁣

I was FULL. ⁣

I have not felt true fullness in over a decade I think. ⁣

I was full for 5 HOURS. ⁣

The only type of fullness I have experiences over the past 5 months of eating so much is a strange type where my stomach feels like it is about to pop from eating so much but I am still thinking about food. Never quite satisfied. ⁣

And it never ever lasts longer than 2 hours before I am starving again. 2.5 hours rarely. ⁣

I was actually FULL. ⁣

I cried so many times. I said to Jordan I never really thought I would feel full again. I thought my body was broken and I couldn’t know what full felt like. ⁣

But now that I feel it I do know it. ⁣
I have felt it before. ⁣
I remember it. ⁣

The past few weeks my hunger has slowed down. ⁣

It isn’t completely consistent yet and there are ups and downs but I am just not as hungry. ⁣
I will still happily eat McDonald’s if that’s the fastest choice or that’s what there is but I don’t crave it anymore. ⁣

I weigh 196 lbs. ⁣

That means in the past two weeks I think I gained 3 lbs whereas in two weeks in June I had gained 10. ⁣

My white blood cell count which has been low for at least the past five years is BACK TO NORMAL. ⁣
I recently learned it was low because my body stopped making bone marrow because it wasn’t being fed enough. ⁣

There are other bloodwork things happening – my liver is a bit stressed, cholesterol a little high, etc – all things that are common in recovery and I am working with one of the top doctors in the country to monitor this. ⁣
I am not interested in any opinions about my health. I am good and I will update more once I can give a clear and responsible picture of it. ⁣

I have to tell you part of me really does not want to share this video at all. ⁣

It is like. ⁣
I am ugly crying. ⁣
My hair is a mess from being in and out of spa water all day. ⁣
The lighting is bad. ⁣
All my wrinkles and scars are showing. ⁣
I look the fattest I have ever seen myself look. ⁣
And I am eating a burger with sauce all over my face. ⁣
Fat Girl Eating.

But the deepest thing I see when I look at this video is how much I love myself. ⁣

I sobbed for a good fifteen minutes out loud in a burger joint in full view of everybody. ⁣

I was sobbing long before Jordan took this video. ⁣

I was sobbing because I could actually order and easily eat this burger. ⁣

I was sobbing because of the music and how much my life has changed. ⁣

I was sobbing because of how hard it has been to get to this point and because of how committed I am to myself. ⁣

And I didn’t know it yet but I was going to feel completely and totally Full. ⁣

For the entire rest of the evening. ⁣

5 whole hours before I thought I should probably have a small snack before bed even though I was still barely hungry. ⁣

I have lost a lot. A lot of identities and people and who I thought I was. ⁣

But I have gained myself. ⁣

And I want to share this with you because this is what it really looks like. ⁣


If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy: 

Donuts & doritos & crossing 160: going “out of control”

I’ve gained 30 lbs: feeding myself fully & trusting my hunger

TRULY GOING ALL IN – normal grocery stores, processed food, and up 40 lbs

The hardest parts about this process – real update of where I’m at

Everything to do with my food journey & weight gain in chronological order