Taking responsibility for your desire

A few weeks ago, I uncovered a pattern I had with Jordan.

I would desire to have sex.

But instead of naming my desire, I’d often just feel it inside my body and hope that he noticed.

I’d think things to myself like, “I just want him to initiate more. To take control. I’ve been obvious enough, he probably doesn’t want to.”

Sometimes I’d say something to him like, “I want to cuddle” – in hopes that then he would initiate having sex.

Typically what would happen is that we’d lay there, kissing and being very sweet, and in my head I’d start to feel resentful about the fact that he wasn’t taking charge.

He’d notice that my energy was pulled back, and he would ask me what was up. I’d try not to dramatically sigh while I said “it’s the same pattern we keep having over and over again. I want you to take control.”

He’d feel upset and say that he didn’t like having to guess, that he wasn’t clear about how I felt.

We’d done this for many months – I knew it was a pattern, but I didn’t see my part in it.

I didn’t WANT to have to name it, I’d whine to myself. It RUINED everything if I had to name it, I didn’t want to have sex anymore if I had to tell him every time.

But the more I worked with desire in all areas of my life, the more I started to suspect that it wasn’t Jordan’s fault at all.

Each time we’d play out the pattern, I’d trace it back and realize that I had been very unclear about my own desire.

I watched myself do it for a while. Witnessed it happening, while it happened, without being able to stop it. Noticed that the times we had amazing sex were typically the times where I made it very clear, in some way, that I wanted him.

But I didn’t want to admit it to Jordan. I didn’t want to be the one who was wrong.

And then a couple weeks ago I noticed it happening real time.

We played our parts. Me saying, “I wanted to but now I don’t feel like it anymore.” Him saying, “I thought you didn’t want to.”

And I paused. And I thought to myself: Do I want to have sex?

I did.

My *mind* still wanted to play out the pattern, I could feel that. To feel victimized that he wouldn’t just overrule my mind for me.

And I was like: this is me not taking responsibility for my desire.

I didn’t want to have to say it. I wanted him to come in and get me. I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to have to set any boundaries, to say I changed my mind if I ended up changing my mind. I wanted him to do all the work – I wanted him to want me enough that he did all the work.

It probably goes even deeper than that – into conditioning around being a good girl, that wanting sex too much is bad.

In that moment, I was in what David Deida calls a “first stage” pattern. Being in my own triggers, my own wounding. And I thought of a question he’d asked a few weeks ago, to move into “third stage” relating: what does love need?

That helped me drop back into my body, into my self. Out of my mind.

I asked my teacher recently: how do you start to want to take responsibility?

She said, you take responsibility

So I just dropped it. I dropped the pattern.

I didn’t shame myself.

And I took responsibility.

I felt it in my body, looked at Jordan and was like, “I want to have sex with you.”

And we had incredible sex.

And since then I’ve started to witness this just fall away.

I’ve stopped being victimized by the idea of having to take responsibility for my desire (at least in this situation – ha).

I’ve started to just name it, to be clear when I want it.

We do this in all areas of our lives – not just sex. Have desires and don’t want to take responsibility for them.

And really what it is is a damsel feminine pattern. Wanting someone to rescue us, because we “just can’t” do it ourselves.

We don’t want to take responsibility for the fact that the feminine is the call, and the masculine is the response.

Oh yes.

If Jordan wanted to have sex with me, it was highly likely that I did too, no matter how much my mind thought I didn’t. Because I was calling it in.

Women don’t want to admit to this. But I’ll tell you from experience that when women take responsibility for this their entire life changes.

So I’ll ask you, my loves: Where can you take responsibility for your desire?


If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:

Feeling & naming your full desire: Jordan pays for our lives and this is what that looks like

The exact practice I do every week to strengthen my relationship

Do not rob yourself of the sensation of naming your full desire

Watch the stories your mind creates

My “doing a good job” pattern and how it disappeared