Are you spending a lot of time wistfully remembering that incredible sex you and your ex had?
Are you feeling like no one is ever going to touch you that way again?
Are you silently bemoaning the fact that your current partner is just not as good?
One of the many negative side effects of women not being taught that our bodies belong to us, is that we end up handing all our sexual power and pleasure over to our partners.
Just like we blame our partners for not knowing how to please us, we also hand them all the credit for when we have the best sex we’ve ever had.
And I would love to see women take ownership for what is happening in our bodies, instead.
Because here’s the thing:
You are responsible for the quality of your own sex life.
He doesn’t “make” you have the best orgasm of your life. You feel safe enough and connected enough to your own body to let yourself have an incredible orgasm.
He doesn’t “make” you have bad sex. You just don’t speak up and explain exactly what you want, how you like to be touched, or – even more likely – you don’t tell him what the underlying emotional pieces are that you’re holding onto that are keeping you from opening to him.
It’s likely that you’re in a deeper, more committed, more loving relationship with your current partner than you were in with your ex (if that’s not the case, then why are you with your current partner?)
And that probably feels scarier.
When we enter into relationships where people can see us more fully than we’ve ever been seen before… where we might share children, work, or a house… where we have to show up more vulnerably… that can feel terrifying to the part of our minds that wants to stay small and hidden forever, where it feels safer.
That can cause us to want to place blame anywhere else besides ourselves – so it makes sense that you’d blame your current partner for the state of your sex life, and imagine how great your ex was instead. It’s just easier.
Sex with your ex probably wasn’t that great.
I say this for two reasons. One is that even if it was totally loving and wonderful, that is absolutely not the best sex you’ll ever have. This is because your pleasure belongs to you. You are responsible for it.
If you do the work to connect with your own body and sexuality, your pleasure will increase forever. Since I started working with my sexual energy, every year I have thought my sex life was the best it could ever be. And every year, my sex life only gets better.
The other reason I don’t believe the sex with your ex is as great as you think is that it’s likely you and your ex had a lot of problems – that’s why they’re your ex. So even if sex with your ex was super hot, that heat likely had a lot to do with the fact that you were in conflict with them constantly.
We all know we can get off on things that are bad for us, but that type of sex is kind of like junk food – you might think it feels great in the moment, but doesn’t it feel shitty long-term? Wouldn’t you actually rather be served a 10-course gourmet fancy meal, instead?
Focusing on how sex with your ex was way better than sex with your current partner is just a clever way for your mind to place the blame on your partner and not have to do any work on yourself.
If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, that will show up in your sex life.
Are there things you resent him for? Are there needs you have that aren’t being met? Have you completely communicated every little thing you are holding back from him?
Start there. It probably has much more to do with that than it does with your partner’s sexual technique. The reason for that is because it clears out whatever’s in between the two of you, anything that is not love.
And this doesn’t mean just the things about your sex life – it means the way you felt hurt last week when he said that thing, and how you feel annoyed about having to do so much work around the house, and how you wish he would do xyz.
If there are things you haven’t communicated to your partner, you will not be having the best sex that is possible for the two of you. Without exception.
If there are specific ways you’d like to be touched differently, tell your partner that. If there are things they do that you don’t like, let them know.
As women, we are conditioned so heavily to not speak up for what we need, to not “cause problems,” to not feel like our pleasure matters that much. And it’s our work to unravel that conditioning and start to do it anyway.
You might have to have some scary conversations. You might have to feel very uncomfortable while you ask for what you need. You might have to face the truth that you’re not in the right relationship. You might realize that you are in the right relationship, but you need to show up more fully.
The reason you think sex with your ex was better is because you’re not taking responsibility for your sex life and your relationship right now.
And that might sound harsh, but it’s ultimately the most empowering.
Because when you understand that you are in charge of your own pleasure, that your pleasure is not dependent on another person… then you get to take the reins and choose to create the conditions that ongoingly bring you the most ecstatic experiences imaginable.
And they’ll get better forever – because as you learn about yourself, speak up for what you want, and grow, there just won’t be another option.