I used to have this pattern of waiting until the absolute last minute before giving myself something I needed.

I would wait until my bank account was at $0 and my credit card bill was a day overdue before transferring money over from other accounts in order to pay it.

I would wait until I totally ran out of a hair product to order more and would have to spend a week without any til the new one came in.

Last summer I waited so long to purchase contacts that I literally had to spend two weeks NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE before the new ones came in.

Why?? The money was there. There was no “good” reason for it.

There was some scarcity in it but mostly I just loved the high sensation.

The gripping, “oh no” feeling.

The feeling of “I’m not allowed to have it yet”

I would run out of something or wait til it broke so that I could then drown in the feelings that came along with not having it.

Part of me REALLY enjoyed this.

I would look at the things running out and be like “oh, they are running out, but I am not going to do anything about it”

Pushing my needs away.

It was quite similar to my pattern with food too. Pushing off eating or making meals, knowing I was hungry, but just “not wanting to yet.”

Until I was so hungry that I was in tears about how hungry I was.

Big post coming on this one.

For the past month and a half I have been eating almost every two hours.

And eating a lot. My body is so hungry.

Over the past week I have ordered new contacts – way before I was out.

I bought more hair products before they were empty.

I bought a new computer even though mine is “fine” and works “well enough.”

I feel as though I am upgrading everything all at once.

Responsibility in all areas.

Giving myself the nourishment I need to be fully supported.

A place this still shows up for me is around asking for alone time – and I’m unwinding that one now too.

Asking for space before the need becomes so loud it creates all these other issues.

It’s beautiful, to give these things to myself.

To order something when what I have is still half full is to say: You are allowed to feel so full.

No need to run on empty.

Jordan and I went engagement ring shopping yesterday and the ring I loved the most is totally pushing the edges of my havingness in the best way.

I have really been soaking in how good everything in my life is this week.

How I have ended up in this place, of feeling so full.

In the past this would trigger my “I can’t hold it” or “what if it gets taken away.”

But nope.

Full havingness.

Because I am stepping into my adult woman and she can hold it.

ps. After I wrote this I remembered that many years ago, I actually ran out of gas TWICE in a PRIUS because of this pattern (driving on empty). There have been so many moments like this throughout my life!

 

If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:

– Watch the stories your mind creates

– A woman called me ugly and this is how I responded

– Taking responsibility for your desire

– Do not rob yourself of the sensation of naming your full desire

– The massive call of the earth – that is me