Episode description:

Take a bath with me as I contemplate turning 30, my life, and life in general.

I talk about being done with spiritually seeking and evolving, 4 years of business and shutting my programs down, razors and shaving, shipping things to Canada, I review the book Verity by Colleen Hoover, talk about reading in general, and a bunch of other random things!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, Stitcher, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. 

Episode links:

Article: Turning 30 and the loss of my innocence

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Full episode transcript:

Demetra (00:00:34):

Hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of the Demetra Gray Show. I’m in the bath <laugh>, it’s nighttime, so my voice might be a bit calmer and, and more nighttime ish than usual. We’re gonna multitask <laugh>. So while we do this, I’ve decided to just like take a bath with you. So I’m also gonna put this honey on my face as a face mask while we are here. It is, my last night here I’m in Tofino, which is a town on Vancouver Island, which is very close to where we live. And I’ve come here as a 30th birthday present myself.

(00:01:44):

It is not yet my birthday. My birthday is November 27th. So even when you listen to the, well, I don’t know when you’ll listen to this, but even when this episode comes out, it will still not yet be my birthday, but this is great cuz I feel like I’m processing a lot around my birthday and the last year. And as we get closer, yeah, it just feels like I’m getting to have like a birthday that’s like a couple weeks long. So I’ve already started feeling into it. It is Manuka honey that I’m putting on my face. I don’t really know why Manuka honey is apparently like the best kind of honey. It’s like bioactive honey, like, I think it just has like extra good stuff in it. But I actually used to wash my face with Manuka honey when I was like 20. Now I do not wash my face usually, but I’ve been wanting to do a face mask and there are no face masks to be found. And yeah, yesterday I was looking at the stuff I got from the grocery store and I was like, oh, I could do a face mask with honey.

(00:03:31):

So anyway, I am, I’m <laugh> currently as I, as we speak, I’m putting honey all over myself while I sit in the bathtub. On my last night in Tofino, I’m at a really, really nice, I don’t even know if I should call it a hotel, I guess it’s a hotel resort place. I was just telling Jordan, to be honest with you, like I love it here, but I also don’t <laugh>. Like, I just, I’m ready to go home. There’s something for me, like at really nice places now, like I’ve, I’ve really spoiled myself because now, now that I’ve started staying in like really nice hotels and like resorts and things, now I like can never go back. And now when I have to stay in one that is like, just like your typical one, I’m not a fan. Um, um, however, so like I, I end up not all the time, but as much as we can, we now we stay in like, just really nice spots. Um, like five star hotels are the way to go, um, <laugh>, but where do I put this down now? I’m dripping honey everywhere. But the thing about it is that, and it depends on the place, not all places are the same of course, but

(00:05:27):

Because it’s so nice,

(00:05:31):

It’s a little bit annoying in with like staff and I, I don’t mean to be rude, but I just, that is just how I feel. <laugh> like, it’s really nice to have all the nice things like the nice bathtub and the nice shower and room and view is gorgeous and the beach it’s on is just stunning. And um, the bed is amazing, all of it. But I feel about, at my wit end with like, there’s a lot of small talk that has to happen. And so it’s like, it’s been very, very sweet. Like they, I told them it was my birthday, they asked if I was coming for a special occasion and I said I was, I was turning 30 and I didn’t know that they were gonna, they did some very sweet things. Um, they like printed my name on my own personal menu and like lots of different things, but it just is like everyone knows my name.

(00:06:34):

Everyone knows that I’m like here for my birthday. Like they all have, all the staff has access to like my, I don’t know, I guess I have like some sort of chart or like account and they, they, you know, some people I’m sure adore this because they’re really paid attention to, but I’m kind of like, I feel like I’m being paid too much attention to. Like I just don’t like <laugh> when I come places like this. Um, I’m like happy to talk a little, but like I kind of like to be left alone. And I’ve been going to the restaurant here because um, it’s easy. It has a really pretty view and stuff, but I like, it’s not like I want to be at this restaurant like three times a day, but today I was there three times a day and it’s just like the small talk of it is like when I get there, everyone like greets me by name and then they’re so enthusiastic and they have a lot of like, everyone’s trying to be like extra friendly and extra like talkative and extra helpful and accommodating and like everything you want they can get.

(00:07:46):

And like, I don’t know there I <laugh> I feel like I’m being a brat. You can like, I just need a couple minute little mini vent <laugh> about my very first world problem. Like <laugh> super, like extra first world problem, <laugh> of just being like, I’m just, I’m done. There’s a lot of superficial intraction and I just am, I think that I prefer being somewhere where I’m just like completely left alone. I wish that there was like a way that you could have both like a really, really, really luxurious place where they also don’t bother you at all or talk to you at all. Okay, maybe that’s rude, but that is the truth <laugh>. So anyway, um, it is my last night here and it’s already eight 30, which means it is like past my bedtime. It’s like the time I would go to bed at home. But since I’ve been away I’ve been kind of like not following my bedtime, which is fine cuz when I get home we’ll be back on a routine cuz the routine of that is really important to me and is really helpful actually. But I give myself some grace while I’m away and I’m just like, it just kind of all is what it is. I’ll be home tomorrow

(00:09:32):

And it just made the most sense to do this now and, and um, have it complete for the week. The other thing everyone keeps asking me here is they’re like, well what are you doing? And like, people come here to like adventure and like do all this stuff and I’m like, nothing. I have not been adventuring. I hang out in my room and take baths and write and podcast. I’m gonna read a book. I read an entire book in one sitting yesterday and it was delightful. It was like, I don’t even know how many hours straight I read this book four, it must have been like four, maybe a little less. I think I started reading at like noon. But then, yeah, I think about four hours I read and I like did not move. I just like read this book from start to finish in my bed. No one was around, no one interrupted me. <laugh>, I just like, I think one time I got up to pee and I just like walked with the book to the bathroom, just like kept reading the whole time that I did that. And it’s so nice for me. Like when I was young

(00:11:24):

I used to read books like all the time. Like I would just devour them. Honestly. I kind of think that it was partially like a coping mechanism of like not knowing how to deal with like, emotions or stress in my life. So I just like read and read and read and like my mom would drop me off at Barnes and Noble sometime when they used to have like couches there and she’d dropped me off and I’d like collect books and sit on a couch and just like, like read for hours while she shopped and then she’d like come back and pick me up. And I just, like, I would, I went through so many books and there I, I don’t get to do it as often anymore in that way. Like I still read. But now when I tend to read, like it tends to be more like I’m reading chunks at a time, sometimes before bed. Um, it’s probably only like a couple times a year that I’ll read a novel or that at least in the past like few years that I’ve read a novel and just devoured the whole thing at once.

(00:12:36):

But that was what I used to do like every day <laugh>. And so there is this part of it for me that even though I don’t know, like I have to watch cuz it’s like I really can like, like, like tap out on the rest of life. Like I can’t hear anything. I can’t like I just like am so in the book. So it’s not like it would be something I would want to do every day, but when I get to do it, it touches me on this deep level that’s just like,

(00:13:17):

Ugh.

(00:13:19):

Like I, no one is around, it’s silent. I have my phone, I don’t like complete silence most of the time. So I have like gentle piano music, and I just laid in my room and I read the book for four hours and it felt great. Like, it just feels so good to be so utterly consumed by a thing and then to like come out of it and be like, whoa, <laugh>. And yeah, I hope to do more of that. Actually this winter I’ve been, I’ve been collecting some books and getting things set to read by the fire, but I did get to do that yesterday and so yeah, like on the surface I have not been doing a lot of adventuring, so maybe like what did you do? It’s like I read a book I laid in my bed, I cried. It’s like, I don’t know, I walked on the beach. Usually when I go away by myself like this, it’s like I just wanna not have anything to do and just see what happens when I don’t have other things in other people to like give my energy to. And that’s actually been really important for me and Jordan. Like we try to do this with each other

(00:15:13):

Like decently, I mean a few times a year I guess to be away from each other and we’ll both like go other places occasionally cuz it just feels like it’s not so much like a getting away from him. Maybe in our old apartment I’m washing the honey off my face now. If you couldn’t tell, maybe in our old apartment it was more of that because like with Covid and stuff, we just needed, we really did need space. But now it feels more just like there’s always so much to do. And even though I love spending time with my husband, it’s like just to give my energy to anyone. Like just to have to even consider like when’s he coming home or when like, are we going to eat together? We’re gonna do thi like to just be by myself and be like completely on my own schedule. It’s just, it’s been really, really nice.

(00:16:31):

But I am done. I feel like okay now I’m ready to be home. Usually it’s been, this is my, this will be my third night and usually the third night is like, I’m like, all right, I miss Jordan and I’m ready to go back. <laugh>, I’ve been refreshed. It always kind of takes a similar pattern. Like the first day I’m usually a little bit miserable, like I have a really good time on the trip to the place and then I get to the place and I’m kind of like, blah blah. Like I just feel like what should I do? I feel like there’s things I should be doing that I’m not doing. Like what would be the best, absolute best way to spend the time here? And I’m like not doing that or, and it’s just all very like, it just takes some time to let that all go and to drop in and usually by the time I like drop in fully. I think maybe like yesterday afternoon I felt like okay, after I read the book or while reading the book maybe I just felt like, okay, I really dropped in and then today this felt nice and now I’m just like, okay, I’m ready to go home. Jordan has sent me some photos. Our living room is almost done with the paint. Raspberry, raspberry, raspberry. He loves it, which is great news. He said it feels like being inside of a heart

(00:18:08):

And Jordan was very skeptical of the raspberry paint, so I’m really curious to see it in person. And our wood stove has been put in. So I am really excited for all that I want to see it. And then it’s like, okay, now what do we do? Like we’re gonna have to decorate more and like pull all the color together and everything. And our contractors, actually Jordan told me that they’re coming back really early tomorrow cuz they asked when I was coming home and they like wanna get it all done for me by the time I get there so I could like see it all at once, which is so cute and so kind and just like considerate and adorable and I just think that is like very sweet. So I’m excited to see it. I’m excited to get home and

(00:19:04):

Yeah,

(00:19:04):

I’ve not had the best sleeps here really. I think like, um, there’s just a combination of factors but it’s just I am ready to be in bed with my husband. So yeah, that’s been my trip. Oh, these must be matches. I thought that it was a little bar of soap, but isn’t that curious? Oh, maybe that, wait, where did that rock thing go? Wait,

(00:19:38):

Wait, wait, wait.

(00:19:40):

I wonder if this is a candle. It is a candle. This whole time I could have had a candle. Wait, let me move this, I’ll move it over here the whole time I could have had a candle in the bath and I didn’t know it. I’m gonna try to do it. Well I’m talking. Um, anyway, so I booked here to like come and just be like, I wanted a trip, I wanted a trip alone. And to be like I, I occasionally like to just feel myself by myself, like to kind of check in with who I am now that more time has passed since I last did it to like be in a new place alone and to be like, okay, like who am I now when I’m not being like Jordan’s wife or I’m not taking care of the house or whatever the things are, I like to just be with myself. And I told Jordan I haven’t really done a lot, I haven’t even cried that much this time. Often I like come and I cry, but I just, I’ve been more just contemplative. Like I’ve just been like thinking a lot and just like being with myself a lot and

(00:21:32):

Just being like, wow, I’m turning 30. Oh no, do you guys know I don’t actually know how to do this. Like I don’t know if I can light a match.

(00:21:48):

<laugh>

(00:21:48):

Ha I did it. Okay, I did it. I don’t know. I’m not sure like when the last time I li mapped even was <laugh>. Oh man, I was like playing with it. I was like, I think you’re supposed to like turn it kind of like on its head a little. Anyway, the candle’s now lit. That is cute. Put it in its little candle home. Anyway, um, yeah, I wrote this whole piece today that will link in the comments if you ha or in the, in the comments, oh my God, I’m spending too much time on social media in the show notes we’ll put a link to the latest piece. And I wrote it about just like where I’m at right now, my life and this like turning 30 and just reflecting on the last year and feeling like, I think there’s been a few big themes, but a big theme for me has been this kind of loss of innocence, of this part of me that I just feel like has always led me and has always been such a big piece of the way that I interact with the world and trust people and trust like I think ultimately, and I’m not gonna like repeat a bunch of things I said in the piece here, like there’ll be different things. You can read that too if you want it. But I think for me,

(00:23:52):

I’ve really, really, I I think I’ve just al always assumed throughout my life that all humans, and this seems so naive as I say it <laugh>, but I really did like I have believed that we’re all operating with this like the same moral code and this actually has been like maybe the most shocking thing to me about what I have been going through this year, this the last few months especially is just like we are not all operating with the same code and, and I think there’s just been a lot of assumptions that I’ve made that like I’ve made based on this sort of innocence of just like never really like knowing on a logical level that people are not, not all people are good people but still like believing that they are if that makes sense. Like I just, I, yeah, it’s been really heartbreaking for me and it’s left me with a lot of questions of just like what is the sense of good that I feel like what my own moral code that I feel like where does that come from? And I don’t really know the answer to that question. And so I think like

(00:26:34):

I’ve just been, it feels like for me everything has just been wiped away and I’m just doing a lot of trying to do a lot of interacting with people who have not had any of the same belief systems as me and who are just kind of like normal people in my community. Anyway, I want, I don’t want to go too into the, into the piece that I wrote, but you can read it below if you haven’t. Yeah, I feel in a much more sober place and not sober as in like not drunk but sober as in like, hmm uh, I don’t know what the other day <laugh> like, like so bad as in like serious almost. Like I feel more serious than I ever have and and it’s not the most familiar place for me to be like I feel a bit more hardened than I have been. And I think that there’s a maturity aspect to that. Like I think ultimately it’s a necessary thing to live in the world and to learn that I can’t trust everyone and not all people have good intentions and it just feels like the type of things you would say to a child

(00:29:12):

But I, there’s this really tender part of me that gets touched when it’s like not all people are trying to be good and like to, yeah anyway. So I feel a lot more sober and I also feel like when I feel into myself as 30, it’s like I feel this sense of woman that has been coming but I haven’t quite had all the way and now I’m just like, oh here she is, here it is. And a lot of these pieces, like the striving of my twenties has just all kind of dropped away and it feels similarly to me gaining weight and then trying to feel into like my old very calculated self, like skinnier me used to be very concerned with appearance and like how she showed up and like what people thought of her and what she looked like and like all these things. And there’s this way that I’ve noticed this year that that I can’t even, like I just don’t even have the energy for that. Like I can kind of imagine like I can imagine the thoughts that I used to have but when I feel into them I can’t even quite access it fully because of the way that now

(00:31:33):

I’ve just embodied something else. Like I’m not trying to like be in a appear, I’m just like, here is just me <laugh> like what you see is what you get. And like here I am <laugh> and it’s much more relieving to like show up with people from that way. And this feels similar even though it’s newer. This sense of like when I think about my business and the coaching industry and like different things, like different things that were such a big part of my life and a lot of like spiritual seeking that I’ve been doing for like 10 years now, more than 10 years, 11 years now intensely. I’m kind of just like, nah, <laugh>. Like I think I’m just, I just feel done. I don’t feel like oh I need to spiritually evolve and grow more and like make more money and I need to like whatever. I’m just like, I feel pretty done and I can’t even quite access the be, I don’t know if motivation is what I mean like it feels like I’ve just let go of something and I’m just like, oh none of this is real and even if it were real like it’s just not the thing that I want at all. And I’ve been coming back to,

(00:33:50):

I mean I felt really lost in a lot of ways. I don’t know if you know, but like my whole business I like basically shut down my bus. I mean I didn’t shut down my podcast and I have a couple one-on-one people who I love who are finishing up and there’s some people like still in my programs that are gonna end next month and, but like in, I’m done with all live stuff. Like I’ve kind of just, this whole thing that I built in my fourth year, oh it’s basically exactly four years into my business. Like right around this time, I don’t know the exact day but it was sometime November, 2018 when I started this business and it’s evolved a lot over that time but it’s four years old and it was this year that I finally made six figures profit, like I did it <laugh> the six figure year that I just like could not for the life of me figure out I did it. And it’s funny to like think about it all cuz it’s like I’ve also voluntarily just shut it all down. I’m just like in the whole transition, like all the transitions that I’ve been moving through,

(00:35:40):

I’ve just been like, at first I was gonna keep things open and just like build on them and then it just really wasn’t true at all. Like I just started to realize like I was like, this really actually doesn’t feel aligned. Like I think the whole thing needs to end. And such a part of me was like, are you insane? Like you have waited so long for this and you’re just gonna shut it all down immediately. Like you’re just gonna be like, nevermind <laugh> to all that other income that was gonna come in. And it’s like, yeah, you can probably hear it. Me, I don’t know if this is gross or not, but I’m shaving like I don’t know if it’s gross to hear the sounds is what I mean.

(00:36:37):

<laugh>,

(00:36:38):

Maybe it’s like a s m r um, or maybe you can’t even hear it at all, but I have to, I’m trying to, I have to get all this stuff done. Um,

(00:36:57):

Oh, I’m so

(00:36:58):

Tired. This is just, this is a hot mess of a night. But um, <laugh> it doesn’t like, I’m just like, I don’t quite know when I say I like feel lost, I’m like, I don’t really know what is next. I don’t think it like it’s def it’s certainly not the end of me having any sort of business or um, like sharing my work in ways. Like that’s always just been such a part of me. But there’s a piece of like, I don’t know how I relate to it now and like there was so much I had gotten myself involved in that I can’t stand behind that. I’m just sort of like, I need to reexamine everything and I can’t really, I guess I could, I don’t want to reexamine it while things are still happening. I just want to like be like, nevermind to this. And it was beautiful. You know, everyone who’s been in my programs knows like I have so much love for everyone that was in it and like they served what they served and like there were a lot of beautiful transformations that have happened in my spaces and it just like, I just, it needs to shift.

(00:38:46):

So it’s been strange. Like my website, we’re gonna, I am really excited to show you my website and it’s gonna be done by my birthday I think. I hope <laugh>. But like even then, like we’re gonna have this page with like offerings on it and I’m like, I just like don’t think there’s <laugh>, I’m just not gonna put anything there. Like I just, I just need a break and I need time. And it’s like part of me wishes that like it didn’t take time like that I could just be like one day, okay, I just need a break for like a couple days now I know what the next thing is and we’re just gonna like take off again. But that’s really not what’s happening. Um, and I am really enjoying it. Like I’ve been trying to really enjoy it and I am really enjoying it just like cooking and going on my trip and hanging out with my husband and taking care of my body and doing stuff. But it has been weird to just like be like, okay, now what? And I have a couple things in mind that I’m creating just for fun. Like,

(00:40:30):

Yeah, I think at heart I’ve always been a creator really more than I had been anything else. Like I’ve been a writer, I’ve been a creator and I know that part won’t go away. But anyway, I’m just kind of rambling. I’m just like, I don’t know. But it is okay with me when I stop fighting it. I’m just like, okay, <laugh>. And that’s why I was writing like I’m 30 and earlier this year I just felt like, oh, I’m like on a roll, I’m being six figures. I’m gonna keep going. I’m gonna make all this money outta a multiple six figure year. Technically I think I may have in Canadian, maybe not, maybe I shut it down so I won’t. But like I’m like succeeding <laugh> and now I’m at 30 being like I’m just, I’m at the beginning again of something, not really again because it’s a, it’s a new place. I have not been here before. I’m totally like dry shaving my legs essentially I’m, I’m, I’m using the water but like this is really not, not the thing to do but I’m doing it. I’ve gone through many periods of not shaving my legs just so you know <laugh>, I’ve gone through periods of

(00:42:33):

Stopping, shaving, everything I’ve gone through, periods of stopping shaving, just some things. But I always come back to shaving not my pussy cuz that was just fucking terrible. I never want to do that ever again. I just trimmed my pussy. But I always have come back to shaving cuz it’s just a nicer feeling to me. But actually here I’ll do a little plug for something I’m not affiliated with in any way, shape or form. Um, the Billy Razor, do you guys have the Billy Razor? Listen and before my Canadians get their hopes up <laugh>, unless you use like Amazon, they don’t shift to Canada. But when I was in the States, I remember my sister telling me that she used it and it was like the best and I was like, yeah, blah blah. Sure like every new razor it’s like how good can a razor really be, right? It’s like it’s just a razor and like every razor is kind of mediocre <laugh> And um, when I was in the states in September I was like oh I really need a razor. And we were at a Walmart in Washington and I was like, I saw the Billy Razor and I was like, you know what, I’ll try this and just see what it’s like

(00:44:25):

And oh my god, hands down the best razor I’ve ever used in my whole entire life. And the it is not by like a slim margin, it is by a huge margin. It is by far the best razor ever and if you are in the states, you need to get this razor and do it for me because I’m in Canada <laugh> and have not yet found a way, I mean I think I have to go back and look on Amazon. I’m pretty sure that they were on Amazon. Maybe I just didn’t, I don’t remember why I didn’t order it. Maybe I thought I could get someone to get it from me from the states or maybe I couldn’t wanna wait that long or something.

(00:45:21):

But if I’m desperate I will get it from Amazon. But I’m thinking, I’m hoping, I told my mom, my mom was like, what do you want for your birthday? And I gave her a list of some options for me and I know she got me a nice gift, like she really wanted to get me something nice but one of my options were just like a huge supply of Billy Razor heads <laugh> because I can’t get them here and that’s all I want. But if no one gets him for me for my birthday or for Christmas, then I will have to take matters into my own hands and I’ll have to mail them to people who will forward them to me or I’ll have to sign up for one of those shipping companies that like do that for you. I was gonna say that should be a business. Then I was like, it is a business. I just don’t partake, I guess I just feel nervous. I feel like it would take forever. Like I’m like, I don’t wanna wait like three weeks to get my stuff. I just <laugh> want someone to immediately send it to me where I am.

(00:46:30):

I would like to not be that way, but I don’t, I think we’ve just been so conditioned to things being so instant, especially with Amazon now. Like, and I hate to say this, I know that some of you’ll think I’m a terrible person, but like I’ve gone to the bookstore, there’s two bookstores on our island and I’ve gone to both of them and you know, just browsing. That’s fine. I love bookstores, I really do. But where we are on like a tiny little island, there were a couple books that I specifically wanted and I went in to these bookstores and I was like, Hey, do you have this book? And they were like, no. And they were like, but we can order it. And it was like, it’ll take about a month <laugh>. And I was like, listen, like I would love to support you in your small business but there is no fucking way that I’m waiting a month. Which is a joke actually because it’s rare that I read something. Oh, I was gonna tell you what the book was that I was talking about at the beginning. It’s rare that I read something like right away when I receive it or when I buy it, it’s like even I like it to come right away, but then it might sit around for months before I read it.

(00:47:51):

But this book, so the book that I read and I’ll give you my opinion without ruining any spoilers, oh my god, I’m so tired, <laugh>, I’ll just tell you this in then I’ll go, I have to go to sleep. Um, this book was Verity by Colleen Hoover and I know apparently Colleen Hoover is like the new biggest thing and I’m sure that she’s a very nice person. Um, I simultaneously like could not stand this book and also could not put it down <laugh> and I bought it off a recommendation from someone else that I follow. Like she loved this book and I was like, okay, I’ll buy it. Like she said, it was like her favorite novel of all time and I was like, I will get this book and see what it’s all about. And I started it and as you heard, I could not put it down.

(00:48:56):

I did not move because the plot was so phenomenal in the sense. So this is the distinction for me, it didn’t really feel like art. I mean I guess it is art in the fact that it’s like telling a good story, but it didn’t feel, usually when I read there’s something I appreciate in like the art of it or like the language or like the pleasure of reading the language and not like overly like over the top fluffy language. I can’t stand that either. But like I think that Colleen Hoover usually writes romance novels, which are typically written in this kind of very basic way and the plot doesn’t have to have a lot of um, like it doesn’t have to be very realistic or like have a lot of nuance cuz it’s like you’re just reading to get the sex vibes. I guess I haven’t read a lot of romance.

(00:49:56):

I read it when I was like a teenager <laugh>. Um, like I don’t think I read it one romance thing since I read 50 Shades of Gray when I was like 19 or something. So, but like, that’s why I don’t read them because they’re, I just, I don’t like, it’s not pleasing to me. But this book, the plot of it, it’s like a suspense novel and I, I needed to know what happened. Like, it just totally hooked me and I loved the way that it was written. Like it kind of flips back and forth. I won’t really say very much, but like I just, I loved

(00:50:44):

The pace of it. Like I was very like involved and I could not even put it down to pee. I was just like, I have to finish, I have to know the end. Like I need to get to the end. And I was so nervous about what was gonna happen that I actually started to cheat at the end. I was like, I was probably 20 pages from the end and I just like tried to like quickly like skim through the last pages just to like see if a particular name was there. Like I was just like, I just wanna know what’s gonna happen. Um, and it was quite a satisfying ending also. So like I really enjoyed it, but at the same time I was like, the whole time there were like sentences that I read where I was like, this fucking, like I just, I can’t take it. It’s like I just don’t like, I don’t know what else to call it besides basic. Like it’s just very like, I don’t know the word <laugh>. So I, I read the whole thing, couldn’t put it down, but I was just like, I’m not impre. And there I also feel like there was a bit of a hole in the plot, which I will not ruin,

(00:52:15):

But I have to do some Googling to find out if anyone else realized that there’s this hole and to see if I missed somewhere where there it was concluded or maybe I’ll have to go back and look. But anyway, I’m like, I don’t wanna read another one of her books. Like I’m just like, I don’t <laugh>, I don’t wanna do that again. Um, but it was really nice for what it was and it was fun to like, like it did feel it, it felt like I was being told like a really good suspense story, but just like the way it was told and the language and the, it was just kind of like, I was not that like there are a number of books that I have just adored and, and I tend to like books the most when they’re like, the writing is a bit more like artsy I would call it. Or just I guess like written for an older reader. Like, I don’t know exactly. I’m not a booker Beard <laugh>. But I wanted to tell you about this book because I guess like, I just like books that people read as like beach reads and stuff now. Like I used to read those so many all the time nonstop as a teenager and now I’m just like, I just, I guess I just feel older. Like I’m just like, I’m not, that’s not what I want to read now. Um,

(00:54:02):

I’m trying to think. I’m like, what makes me impressed because I do, it’s not like I’m hard to impress. Like I, I am impressed often by things that I choose to read but not that <laugh>. It’s just kind of like, uh, anyway, maybe I’ll do an episode just about like talking about books that I’ve read when I’ve read my books for the winter. Um, I was like, oh I guess I could tell you what they are before I read them. But no, I don’t think that’s really that interesting. Oh

(00:54:51):

Yeah,

(00:54:55):

Okay. I feel like <laugh>, I’m like, what am I gonna call this episode? I don’t even know what I talked about. I’m so tired. I’m like delirious. This is like when Jordan and I used to Skype before we met each other in person, we would Skype and it would be one time we Skyped for eight hours straight until four in the morning. And Jordan especially when he gets really tired gets like extremely funny cuz he is just like so delirious. He’s just like hysterical. And I thought it was so cute. I feel a little bit that way now. I just feel like I’m so sleepy. Um, yeah anyway, I feel like I feel in this spot where I’m really the most I have in a long time. I’m just like, I don’t know what’s coming next. Like I’m not like, I mean I know that in a year from now we wanna have a baby and I know that that, well we wanna get pregnant and like I know everything’s kind of geared toward that. But like as for the next year, especially with my work and like what I’m doing and like what I wanna,

(00:56:44):

I have some things I wanna create, but like I’m just sort of like, it feels like a big open empty space to me, which I love big open, empty spaces, <laugh>, but it’s just like strange, you know, I don’t really, like, I keep getting to the end of these episodes now and I’m like, I don’t have anything to direct you to Like, normally it’s like normally for the past couple years my business has felt so like oriented toward selling. Like it’s like I’m <affirmative> creating to then sell ultimately. And I guess really it’s, I mean it’s been that way since I started a bit like started this business and there’s this way that I used to write and create before all of that that I feel like is getting to come back now. And I think I’m letting myself land in it more of like, what does it mean if I just own being a creator and like, like what does it mean if I just get to write just for the sake of writing? Like when I wrote today, it was so nice cuz it just felt like there’s no point to this, there’s no like trying to sell or trying to serve or trying to like

(00:58:30):

Have an outcome happen. It’s just like I just get to write for the sake of writing, which is what I’ve always loved the most. And it feels like that with the podcast. Like I think that’s why I feel like, did I say this in the last episode that someone was saying to me like she was like talking to me about my podcast. I’m gonna try to put this candle out by like tossing water on it because I heard recently that it’s not good to blow candles out spiritually <laugh>. See, and this is why I’m saying I’m just so like, oh shit, I’m so, um, anyway, let’s just see

(00:59:16):

It’s

(00:59:17):

Not working. I keep, keep there. I did it. It’s because the candle is inside this little like two like, I don’t know how to describe it in a tunnel kind of. Um, I was saying something the podcast and the, well the podcast is felt that way for me too. Oh cuz the, someone was saying to me like, like, oh I forget what she said but somehow in the way that she worded the question, um, I was like, there is some like disconnect here. And then I was like feeling into it and I was like, oh. And I was like, she thinks my podcast is like part of my business strategy <laugh>. And I was like my podcast, like it is my bus, like it has it’s part of my business but like it’s not really, and maybe this would look differently to different people. Like, I don’t know, Jordan might say like, well it is a part of your business or whatever. But like to me, when I started my this podcast, it was like this is just for me to have fun and I’ve kept it that way. Like for the most part, occasionally I’ve done something where I’ve been like, oh I’m like selling this thing and this will be around this topic because of that. But in general, like episodes like this are just my favorite cuz it’s like, I just like that

(01:00:47):

And I can’t believe like to be, when I first started this podcast I was like, who is gonna listen to me? <laugh> just like talk. But it’s been the most fun. And um, yeah, now we’re gonna be at 56 57 episodes. Crazy. And I feel like I’m on a roll with like the routine, like the schedule of it and it’s just fun. But there’s this way I get to do it when it’s like, it feels like I get to come back for now to the, the roots like the purity for me of just expressing for expressions sake, like just now the hiccups creating for the sake of creation. And I know that I will have things to sell ever again. Like I definitely will. But um, in this moment it’s nice to not and it’s nice to just be like, I don’t know, I’m just here. Can you just be here together?

(01:02:17):

And I like that. Okay, we will link the, um, we’ll link the piece I wrote today in the show notes if you haven’t read it yet. And the only place to go is to my email list, which is still demetranyx.com/newsletter and that link will be in the show notes as well. I cannot wait to shift everything over be demetragray.com and it’s just gonna look really beautiful. I’m like, I’m just, I’m excited about having a home for all my stuff that feels really in alignment cause my old website just does not <laugh>. Okay, that is it. I’m gonna get outta the tub now. That’s all for now. Goodnight and I’ll talk to you soon.