Pleasure in dissolving (being in Winter)
“I’m sad,” I said
“Winter is sad,” my mom said. “But it isn’t that time yet.”
“I’m sad,” I said
My sister did not reply
My father said, “I know, I just try to think of happier things, and stay happy.. you know?”
I don’t know if I know
I know that like clockwork, Thanksgiving approaches and my body reminds me that I lost my brother 8 years ago like it was yesterday
The center of my body tightens, grips itself
It reminds me that every death happens in the winter
the boy I had a crush on
my yiayia
my pappou
no family togetherness during the holidays, because my parents separated
my brother
I think, I should be writing
But my body does not want to write about pleasure or sex
So I give up on her
I think, I should do practices. I should process this more
My body is heavy and does not move
I think, I should buy more things for this apartment
I think, I should cook
I think, I should go to the gym
I think, I do not want to do this, this year
My body gets a sore throat
This, finally, registers to my conscious mind. This is a signal, it points out.
We don’t avoid our body anymore. Remember?
So I stop
I take multiple baths
I soak in them for hours
Each
I lie in bed
I cry
When I rest, my body opens a little
She says, you’ve done so much processing, you’ve done beautiful work on yourself
Sometimes there is a place for just allowing heaviness to be
Pleasure in anguish, in grief
Pleasure in dissolving
Allowing yourself to be in winter, as winter approaches
And she reminds me that the goal was never to be full of energy all the time
no matter what society claims
“I’m sad,” I said. I let the tears roll down my cheeks, I let them see me.
“You’re allowed to be sad,” my friends said
“I’m sad,” I said
“I love you,” he said
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