Eleven years ago I started writing online. 

I have always, first and foremost, in my heart, been a writer. 

I have learned other skills and uncovered other gifts along the way, but writing has been my constant. From diaries when I was young, to the creative fiction in high school, to the sharing of myself and my stories publicly after my brother’s accident happened. I continued along this journey of self-discovery, that had really started a few years earlier but was forced in a way into existence by tragedy. 

I wrote because I didn’t know what else to do. And I shared because I thought it would help. And I explored, through therapy.. yoga.. shamanism.. circus arts.. the gym.. world travel.. trauma healing.. sexual energy.. the creation of different businesses.. 

And writing at the heart of it all. 

And somehow, over the years, I found my way into this coaching space. 

In 2017 I had no idea anyone was coaching on the internet besides Jordan and Layla Martin. 

I actually hired Jordan just to ask him, does this really work for you? Do you know other people who it works for?

He laughed and said yes, of course he did.

I remember being 12 years old and being fascinated with people making money online, having businesses online. If only I had an idea, I thought, I too could have a business online. 

And the ideas that I had, they led me through journey after journey, all throughout my twenties, until I created this business almost 4 years ago now. 

This is my first six-figure – cash – year. My business, since I started, has grown steadily, my first year bringing in around $25k. 

I have never been prouder of any money I have made more than that first 25k. 

I remember staring at the number at the end of the year, thinking.. maybe this isn’t a livable salary, really.. but it’s mine. 

I made it all by myself, on the internet. 

Twenty five thousand dollars. 

The online coaching world can be so flashy. 

And I have bought into the flashiness, again and again. Feeling like, these people are doing it, somehow they are doing it, and I want to do it too. 

This year I finally had “it.”

My entire online world is filled with other coaches that I know. Money feels easy, like there are endless levels if I want them, but easy anyway. 

It felt like – I’m doing it! .. And now what?

There is a big cycle completing for me right now on many levels and the biggest thing I have been sitting with is that somewhere along the way, the Internet became the place where I got my needs met. 

My writing, my sharing of my life from my heart, my expression out into the world… got me a lot of validation and connection. 

I didn’t need anyone, because I had the Internet. I had attention – viral attention, at times – and what felt like love. I had online friends, because I felt like the only people who could really get me or understand me were the people I connected with in different places. And with the pandemic this became even more true. Why did I need to go anywhere else, to branch out into in-person community, when I had everything I needed online?

The Internet is one of the most incredible things in existence. And I love it. I love Google, I love having an online business, I met my husband because of the Internet, I stay connected with family more easily, I love endless knowledge, I love being able to work with people everywhere, I just love all of it. 

And. I was investing a LOT of energy in time spent online. 

This is not what I want. And there have been many times, throughout my business, where I have wanted to shut the entire thing down and just live in the woods away from the online world. 

This is because I felt like I could only have one or the other. Either this big online coaching life, or a slow, in person community life. 

And what has become so clear to me is how much I was trying to be the brand itself. Even though I said it wasn’t about me, it really was about me, still. Me being the thing. My process. Me becoming one of them, one of the flashy coaches I had looked up to and wanted to be. Me me me. 

The past few weeks I have felt both more lit up and softer than I ever have before. 

I have sat a lot with what it means for me to have some more separation from the Internet. A business where it’s not about me, it’s about what I have to give. No more online friends, that energy instead being invested into in-person, real life people around me, some of whom are nothing like me, who live entirely different lives. 

We plan on me getting pregnant next year, and my entire life has moved toward a focus on this. What do I want to be able to give my children? I know that I want to give a life full of nature play, homestead activities, my full presence, a rich in person community, a mama who is well-nourished and well-resourced. 

In this whole process it became clear that my business needs to shift, to move into its next iteration, which is really just a deepening of everything it has been the whole time. 

The next month or so will be spent slowly changing everything over. 

We will be intentionally and slowly moving through the process of ending. So much wisdom, in endings.

And then I will have the most beautiful offerings for you for the new year. 

They will feel a bit different… but more like me. 

We will announce most of these things by the end of November, likely before.

I am excited to start showing you the new branding and to go on this next part of the journey with those of you who are here. 

And my podcast and writing will stay! I doubt I will ever stop sharing myself in this way, it is so nourishing to me… 

The things themselves weren’t the problem, it was my orientation to and relationship with them…

One of my clients commented to me recently that my energy had shifted, and I felt to her “like it feels after it rains.” 

And I told her that is the way I feel, so it makes sense that is coming through. 

You will start to see everything slowly shift.. 

And if you want to stay closest, you can join my email list. 

Xo

 

If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy: 

Turning 30 and the loss of my innocence

My thoughts on “flaunting privilege”

Reflections on hiring help & pre-conception time

What’s in my name

I can just let this in, everything I’ve ever wanted