Two nights ago, I booked myself into the most luxurious hotel I could find in Vancouver.
So much had been shifting so quickly that all I could feel was how much I needed to return to my own energy.
I got off social media, I took the first few days completely off I’ve had in a while.
Part of my mind was afraid I was dying, my body felt so heavy. It was like I allowed myself to rest a little and then my body pulled me completely, all the way down.
Jordan massaged my entire body with oil, and then I left to go to the hotel.
I spent hours in the jacuzzi tub, ordering room service, staring at the fireplace on the tv, drinking pots of decaf coffee, playing music….. and just relishing being completely alone, a rare experience for 2020.
As I sat in bed and pulled out my journal, I realized what was happening was that I felt completely void.
Not in a bad way. Just that so many pieces of my ego and my identity have been called into question the past few months that I couldn’t even write to myself the same way as usual.
Parts of this have been deeply painful. There is such a loss of the way I have related to people in my life, the person I thought I was and used to be.
And yet there is this seed of something more powerful. More true.
I told Jordan when I came home last night, I feel like I am meeting myself for the first time.
My word for 2021 is Responsibility.
Responsibility for my desire.
Responsibility for my boundaries.
Responsibility for my body.
Responsibility for my energy.
Responsibility for my power.
Responsibility for my work.
Responsibility for myself.
No part of my mind is interested in this word.
And it also feels the most true.
If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:
– My desire to have our home cleaned & the tricky layers underneath it
– The massive call of the earth – that is me
– A woman called me ugly and this is how I responded
– We crave the things that are bad for us