My reflections on 2020
2020 has been the best year of my life, to be completely honest.
I have watched in awe as this virus has made me question every area of my life.
I lost so many friends that were no longer true.
I lost aspects of my business that were no longer true – I noticed how many of them were my ego trying to “get” somewhere as opposed to relaxing and opening into who and where I truly am.
I got to know who I am without the gym. Without my easy “go-to” coping mechanisms, without coffee shops, shopping, restaurants, social outings, the many things that make me feel better.
I got to know who I am when I don’t have much space. “I need space” has been a major piece of my identity. It’s still there, but the virus has shown me all the nuances, forced me to take more responsibility for my need for it.
I got to deepen my relationship with Jordan. Experiencing so much stress together has been challenging – and also the best thing ever. It has made me trust him more and has shown me that we can handle literally every situation and come out on the other side feeling more in love with one another.
When the pandemic hit in March, I immediately looked at how it could be an opportunity. How it could work for me, how it could be for my benefit. This was a conscious decision.
Oh, it didn’t mean that the grief wasn’t there. That the stress or pain or anger wasn’t there. It was – and I’ve had less to deal with than many people, for many reasons.
Earlier this year I took a few months off of social media and deepened my connection with the earth. Spending a lot of time in quiet, feeling into how I wanted to react to this and what I wanted my life to look like on the other side. And now I am watching that connection transform even more, the way it wakes up when I pay attention to it.
I’ve grieved and screamed and cried, letting all emotions move through as fully as possible.
My words for 2020 were “rooting” and “abundance.”
There has been no better way to root into a place for the first time in my adult life than to have not been allowed to travel. And though I’ve missed my family, I’ve also gotten to feel myself as my own adult. In my own energy. Who I am, at 28.
And I like it.
I’m finishing my second year in my business and my income tripled, compared to last year. There is this very real sense of “wow, I did it. I can actually do this, by myself.” And I made most of that in the latter half of the year, doing things in a feminine way, in a way that actually aligns with my system. Never has my business felt more easeful. And the more I come into alignment with myself I watch that reflect on the amount of transformation happening within my clients – it’s strong and deep and so beautiful.
I have adored this year. I love the hard strokes, the times when I’ve lost a bunch of money or heard the most hurtful things from people close to me or when I’ve had barely any personal space.
I want to continue to allow life to strip back all the pieces of myself that are not really ME.
To peel away aspects of my identity and my supposed sense of safety so that I am raw, exposed, and get to realize who I am and that I have every single thing I need inside myself already.
The ability to open to life is literally IT.
It is everything.
I welcome 2021. Not because “the year from hell” is over – but because 2020 has shaped me into more of myself than ever.
I am dripping wet, open, and ready for it.
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