I’ll say it right off the bat: I don’t think anyone is “meant” to be alone.
There are absolutely people who truly thrive being single. These people are single not because they’re incapable of being in a relationship, but because they’ve realized common relationship setups don’t make them happy.
They might prefer to have several sexual partners (or not), have a wide social network, and feel genuinely content about the way their life is set up.
This isn’t because it is meant to be; it’s a choice.
And even then, I’d still recommend that person do some extensive exploring of their childhood wounds, because anytime someone says they “are” a certain way for sure, that signals to me that there’s probably more to discover there.
But here’s a hint: if you’re wondering about whether you’re better off alone, it’s probably because you’re not.
If this feeling is coming up after a relationship has just ended, give it time – you probably do need some time alone, at first, to discover more about who you are and what you want next. There’s also nothing wrong with feeling content being single while also feeling open to whatever might want to enter your life next.
But if it’s been a while and you can’t seem to find anybody new, or if you’ve never had a relationship and you’re questioning if maybe the problem could be you… here are 6 common signs that you’re blocking a new relationship from appearing in your life.
1. You shy away from letting in the love of others.
If it’s hard for you to fully receive compliments or gifts from others without deflecting them, you might be blocking letting in new love. It can be really difficult to allow love in from other people, especially and most often if we have a hard time fully loving ourselves.
Another way this shows up is if you easily get turned off by someone being “too loving” to you. If someone being nice to you bothers you, or if you stop liking people once they like you back, this can signal not being able to let in love. The reason for this will be dependent on the person, but it’s often because you weren’t loved in that way in childhood.
If someone’s love is way nicer – way more “loving,” for lack of a better term – than you’ve ever experienced in your life, it can be super scary to allow in, because it will feel unfamiliar and vulnerable.
2. You’re afraid of being deeply seen by another person.
Usually people in our lives get slightly different versions of ourselves, which is completely normal – “you” at work probably show up differently than “you” to your family; “you” to your mother probably show up differently than “you” to your best friend.
A romantic relationship is one of the rare situations where someone else has the potential of experiencing all versions of you. They’ll see you with your family, they’ll see you sexually, they’ll see you interacting with your friends, they’ll see you when you get annoyed at a stranger and when you’re hungry and tired.
They’ll see your past wounds come up to the surface, and they’ll be the one who triggers them in you sometimes. Unless you choose partners who are oblivious to you, you won’t be able to hide from your partner.
When we meet someone who sees us deeply, it is scary no matter how much work you’ve done – but if the thought of that makes you nauseous or numb, there is probably something worth exploring there.
3. Your relationship to sex and self-pleasure is stifled.
Someone on a call recently told me that she “isn’t one to self-pleasure.” This is always a super curious statement to me, because like I said at the beginning of this piece, if someone is sure they just “aren’t that type of person,” it more often that not speaks to a place of blockage in their lives.
Self-pleasure can be difficult for any number of reasons – from past sexual trauma, childhood trauma, what you were taught about sex, what you were taught about your body, what you believe about sex and your body, how you learned to self-pleasure, and how you self pleasure now. All of these reasons can be explored, worked with, and healed.
If you feel blocked around self-pleasure, this will show up in your sexual relationship with other humans. It might show up as not being able to get wet when you want to, as not desiring sex, or as not being able to orgasm in the way or as many times as you want.
This isn’t something to feel shame about – it is very common, and most people feel these things because they haven’t ever been taught to work with their sexual energy.
If you feel restricted around your sexuality, you’re probably withholding your sexual energy from the world around you.
Sexual energy is magnetic. The more you connect to it, the more people around you will notice and feel pulled to you, and the more you will be able to receive them.
4. You don’t already love your life the way it is right now.
If you’re unhappy in your life, other people will sense that automatically – particularly the incredible partners you want to be attracting. If you’re not lit up by your work, by your friends, by your hobbies, and by the world around you, start there.
People tend to enter the best, healthiest relationships when they already feel totally content with the way their lives already are. This is because a relationship becomes a choice – if you’re deeply happy, other people will feel it and you’ll have many options. You’ll only want to add someone into your life if they truly elevate it and inspire you on many levels.
If you feel like you need a relationship to complete you, you’ll repel good relationships away, and anyone you do attract will most likely be someone who is unhealthy for you.
5. You think no one can meet all of your needs and that the perfect person doesn’t exist.
Our minds are very powerful, and if you believe the perfect person doesn’t exist, you won’t even see them when they’re there. This is because we’re all primed for confirmation bias – we only want to see what we already believe. Our brains will literally only choose to see what we want to see.
This is bad news if you’re convinced that someone doesn’t exist who could meet every relationship need you have. This simply isn’t true – there are many people who would be “perfect” matches for you. There are billions of people on the planet.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll find someone who will never annoy you or trigger you – but the ways in which they do will ultimately feel good, you’ll grow together, and you’ll improve one another.
You deserve to have a relationship where all of your needs are met, and it is certainly possible for you.
6. You think no one can understand you and you’re meant to be alone.
This ties to above – what you believe is most likely to happen, because once you’ve made a choice, your brain will choose to only collect the evidence that shows that is the case.
If you decide you’re fully open to exploring a new relationship and there are many options available to you, you will start noticing the evidence that that is true.
If any of these signs resonate with you, I recommend exploring a bit further by writing down your answers to some or all of these questions:
– In what ways do you really enjoy being alone? How does it benefit you?
– Why don’t you want a new relationship? Come up with 10 reasons why.
– Why are you afraid of a new relationship?
– What do you like about pushing love away from you?
– What do you like about being misunderstood?
– What were you taught about your sexuality?
– Do you feel unsafe in the world?
– What areas of your life bring you joy? Which drain you of joy?
– If you close your eyes for a moment and ask your body… what is the real reason you aren’t in a relationship right now?