The immature feminine tears things down when they no longer feel true.
She is a little bit afraid of destruction, but she will let it come through. She is fascinated by it.
She rips everything to shreds when it no longer feels right.
The immature feminine utilizes her power, but she often feels victimized by it. She absolves herself of responsibility, saying, “Me? I didn’t do that. The universe did.”
She pedestalizes her ability to cause demolition. To leave it in her wake.
Truthfully, she has an inability to stay with discomfort.
The mature feminine, on the other hand, sits within discomfort.
She allows it, can expand to fully hold it. She recognizes how parts of her love the sensation of it.
She sits with the truth that nothing ever needs to feel in perfect alignment, because nothing is in perfect alignment – and at the same time, everything is.
The perceived misalignment is the alignment. The discomfort is perfect.
Because it Is.
For much of my life, I operated from the immature feminine.
I created and tore down business after business. I courted chaos, had a love affair with destruction. I left a trail of broken hearts, and I was proud of it. I left four universities without graduating. I left friendships, I fell wildly in love with places and then I left them, too.
I wrecked things, and then sat in awe at what I had done.
I felt like I was at the mercy of this thing I could not name. My intuition.
Really, it was my connection with the feminine – she was powerful, and I did not know how to relate to her.
None of those decisions were wrong. In every moment, the thing needed to be left because it was no longer true. And I had to feel them, had to learn from Her.
But what I can see now that I could not see then, is that the need to leave immediately, the inability to stay with something as it dissolved, was a reflection of my system not being capable of holding that level of sensation.
If you want to have the kind of life where you can taste every little piece, where you can plumb the depths of grief and the ecstasy of love and feel yourself blending into the deep pleasure of being alive – you must be able to hold vast amounts of sensation.
This affects the amount of love you let yourself experience, the amount of money you can make, the synchronicities you create in your life, and ultimately, it gives you more ownership of your life.
If you can’t hold sensation, you won’t let yourself feel your desires and you won’t let yourself receive. If you can’t hold pain, you won’t be able to hold pleasure; if you can’t allow grief all the way through your system, you won’t allow joy, either.
The mature feminine knows that the sensation of something dying and falling away is one of the most exquisite sensations to feel and let work her.
The mature feminine doesn’t stay longer than what is true – but she is skilled at sitting in the discomfort. She can hold the dissonance. She can feel every last piece of grief and despair and fear as the thing that is no longer true falls away.
The mature feminine does not leave with a “fuck you” energy.
She does not impatiently cut something away because she can’t take it anymore.
She leaves with a neutral energy.
She is willing to sit with something while it dies.
She is in approval.
She is in acceptance of what is.
When my last relationship ended, I sat with the dissolving of it for months. For months, I could feel it slowly pulling apart, not wanting to believe it was true. There were a couple weeks near the end where I felt constant waves of grief. I knew it was ending, and instead of running away – which was my impulse – I sat in it. I had multiple, hours-long conversations with my partner, being fully honest about what I was feeling. I opened fully, I waited until I felt clear about what was true to take action.
And the moment my body was clear that it was over, I didn’t wait. I ended it, and I sat in the pain of it ending. And I sat in the sensations of the grieving process. I felt every sensation fully – sadness, despair, joy, excitement, everything. I moved it all through my body.
I was over the breakup in just a few weeks.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the most beautiful relationship of my life entered my life immediately after that one. I had learned to sit in all the emotions. Now I’m in this relationship I feel committed to for the rest of my life – and I can be with all the sensations that brings.
Sitting with discomfort can show up in so many areas of life.
Being okay with there being conflict in a relationship without immediately needing to rush to fix it – that’s sitting with discomfort. Letting your body be injured without feeling anxious about it needing to heal. Waiting to hear back from someone. Knowing someone is misunderstanding you and not doing anything about it.
There’s no avoidance, here – it’s being willing to be seen as anything anyone else chooses to see you as. It’s being willing to feel and accept any outcome. It’s being surrendered to life.
The immature feminine knows she has the power to tear anything down whenever she chooses.
The mature feminine knows there is more power in being present throughout the entire death process – no matter how excruciating or slow it is.