I used to spend my time worrying about what other people thought of me
I used to spend my time worrying about what other people thought of me.
I used to keep lists as a 12-year-old: what are all the ways in which I could be more attractive? What are all the ways in which I could make that person like me?
How could I make my body more acceptable?
How could I hide my blood, my skin, my wrinkles, my fat?
In my twenties, the focus on my appearance shifted, but the root of where I spent my energy was the same.
It was still spent on forming an image that would make other people approve of me.
The one with the strongest body. The one that was peaceful and positive. The one who was a good student, the one who was a good teacher, the one who was fun and bubbly but not too loud. The one who could hold all of her emotions and was always working to get rid of her bad feelings.
You have it too, don’t you? The one who is a good mom. The one who is a good daughter. The one who eats the healthiest.
The one who is a good person. The one who has the most money.
It was the same, though. The focus was different but it was still the same.
It was still: how could I make sure the people whose opinions I cared about approved of me?
And yet.
It turns out none of that was ever necessary.
I don’t do anything I do now for anyone’s approval.
I don’t care about being seen as strong or successful or pretty or important.
I also do not care if I am seen as jealous or angry or insecure or hurt or selfish or loud.
Because what I have gained on this journey, finally, is the deepest love and total approval of my Self.
What if you deeply, truly loved and *approved* of yourself?
That is why I post my blood. It is a little to liberate other women and a lot to please my Self.
I get so much pleasure from this ritual and I love feeling so free to share it and I love not caring what the reactions will be.
That is how I live my whole life, now.
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