Jordan is kind to me.
When I forget to turn off the stove, he smiles and turns it off himself.
When I am making us late, he calmly changes plans so we are not late.
Every single morning, I come out of the bedroom, and he immediately stops what he’s doing, closes his computer and puts it to the side, giving me his full presence while he wraps me in a hug and listens to my dreams.
He opens the car door for me, even when we’re just going to the store. He is happy when I change my mind, because it means I’m listening to my body. He writes me love notes and texts them to me when we’re in the same room. He stops in his tracks to comment on how beautiful I am, multiple times a day.
He never makes me wrong. He never criticizes me. His anger never comes out sideways at me.
If I do something that hurts him, he sits with me so we can talk about it and clear it. He has never once raised his voice at me.
He is not passive.
He is quietly dominant. Quietly powerful. Quietly present. Not easily shaken.
With him, I feel safe.
Safe to open. Safe to be myself. Safe to express any feeling, any emotion.
He gets excited when I do things that make me happy. He chooses my desires over his because my pleasure is his desire. He overrules my preferences when he knows they will not benefit me or us.
He listens to what my body says. He takes it into deep consideration. And he does not put pressure on it, or make it rule our lives.
15 months ago, I could not imagine that a relationship like this existed.
I was still living from a place of masculine energy. That is, I was living within an energy that did not make me happy, was not inherently my own.
In photos of myself, I can literally see my tightness, my constriction, my wounding.
I was able to feel so much, had healed so much around my emotions, my past, and my relationships… and yet, I was still holding that tension in my body.
On the left: early 2019. On the right: a few weeks ago.
I was not capable of letting myself soften. I did not feel any permission for my own feminine energy.
Even when I was trying to be in my feminine, I was still holding pieces of myself back. I did not know what it meant to let go, to truly release control.
And I was in a relationship that reflected that.
In almost every relationship I had, I could not fully let myself receive, because I attracted (and was attracted to) partners who did not give me that option.
At the time, I felt like I was being myself.
Deep down, though, I had this tiny nudge that I was not satisfied – but I couldn’t really name it. I didn’t know what it was.
I didn’t turn away from that feeling. I faced it, and I questioned. That questioning, and my continued healing and trusting, led me to break up with my then-partner.
When I broke up with my ex, I felt like all the constrictions in my body opened. They released. The air valve was opened. My body softened.
Suddenly I felt completely free to be myself. I had dance parties alone. I spent hours listening to music and staring at nothing.
I wrote whatever I wanted, I posted whatever I wanted. I gave myself permission to have anything I wanted.
It felt like time didn’t exist; like I was just existing in my own natural energy, without all the conditioning piled on top.
It didn’t come from the breakup itself.
It came from me finally choosing myself; from feeling like I was finally allowing myself to live from a place of softened pleasure, a place that felt good to me.
And from me deciding to trust life.
Less than two months later, I was in a whirlwind romance that led me to another country, into Jordan’s arms. (I wrote a book telling the entire story, you can buy it here).
In Jordan, I had to face everything that had been holding me back from having such a relationship previously. I had to be willing to be completely, fully vulnerable.
He was so masculine that it was as if my feminine was being tested: Do you really want this? Can you really embrace this?
It felt like all my conditioning went right out the window. There were many tears. There were many steamy moments.
Most of all, I let myself be seen more fully than I had ever even seen myself. I finally was with a partner who could meet me on every single level.
The difference between how I felt early last year and how I feel today is visceral.
It shows up externally: I haven’t worn a pair of pants (aside from the very rare pair of leggings) in almost a year. I wear long skirts, flowy dresses, see through slips. I own flowery aprons. I cook meals – something I thought I absolutely hated doing. Turns out I adore it, and I’m good at it. I designed our apartment, also something I used to think I was bad at doing. It’s beautiful, and we have the softest blankets and prettiest wine glasses and the fluffiest shower curtains.
It’s reflected in those things, but the biggest difference is the way I feel inside my body.
I feel open. I feel like my entire insides open to Jordan when we hug. I feel like my body itself is flowier, like at times I don’t even have bones. I feel like I can call up my magnetism at any moment, like it’s so inherent that it just feels easy. I find myself having interactions with men that fill me with appreciation.
I feel even more sensitive to the littlest comment from women making fun of men.
I want to be clear: it isn’t necessary for every woman to be in her feminine to attract an incredible relationship. And every woman’s femininity won’t look like flowy clothes or cooking.
But it was for me – because it was what made me most me. And if this resonates with you, that might be because that’s how it is for you, too.
Most of my life I had been conditioned away from my feminine energy. I shunned it myself, in multiple ways. I learned it was dangerous, I learned it was shameful, I learned it was wrong. I expressed it only in the ways that felt allowed, that seemed permissible.
And over the last year, I realized that it is such an essential part of me, that pushing it away was literally pushing away myself.
I want you to know that if this sounds like you, it is possible to reclaim your feminine energy in a way that feels deeply aligned and good to you.
In a way that allows you to be in your softness without losing your boundaries or your power or your strength.
In a way that feels like full permission, to every single aspect of yourself.