I have often felt like I’ve had to apologize for the size that I am

I have often felt like I’ve had to apologize for the size that I am. ⁣

For the way that my entrance into people’s lives seems to shake them up, show them things they would rather not have seen. ⁣

I literally sometimes want to be like “I am sorry that you know me because you didn’t choose this” ⁣
Though I have to imagine that their souls did. ⁣

This is all well and good when you hire me to guide you ⁣
Or when you choose to follow me on the internet. ⁣

But it’s harder when the people that are affected are my family. ⁣
Or my family’s friends. ⁣
Or my friends or my partners. ⁣
Or my partner’s family or friends. ⁣

When I started posting about menstrual blood a few years ago my ex’s mom completely turned on me. ⁣
We had been friends but suddenly she found me disgusting. ⁣
I went to her house for dinner and she and her family wouldn’t speak to me the entire time. ⁣
They were Catholic. ⁣
I have actually never had that happen before or since, to sit at a table with people where everyone ignored me. ⁣
I mean I would never stay for that now. ⁣
But at the time I didn’t know how to react and I was still trying to be acceptable so I was just nice and friendly and asked questions while everyone ignored my existence. Literally pretended I was not there. ⁣

Me posting about my body and my blood was too much for her. ⁣
It touched on things about her body and her life that she did not want to see. ⁣

It is funny to me now but at the time it broke my heart. ⁣

The bigger that I get and the more I step into my full size the harder this is for me on a really human level. ⁣

The truth that me expressing myself is going to mean losing people. ⁣

Because when people do not want to see something about themselves and their lives they will demonize the thing that is showing it to them. ⁣

And when someone’s life is really out of alignment it is hard to even be around someone like me. ⁣

I really get it. ⁣

And I am beginning to understand that that is just the path of my soul. ⁣
I could never do anything else. ⁣

And it is so hard for my human. ⁣

I have been so cautious about letting people know about what I do. ⁣
And people always ask. My dentist the nail tech the doctor the Uber driver. ⁣

And unless they seem like they would be able to feel it I usually brush it off. ⁣
Because people usually are not asking for their perception of the world to be challenged. ⁣

For a long time I have been able to hold both. ⁣

To do what I do online and to make myself more appealing and still acceptable to the people in my life. ⁣

And I am realizing that I just cannot do that anymore. ⁣

Because actually that has not been loving to me. ⁣

Fully loving and committing to myself means that some people will not be able to be around it or even witness it. ⁣

I am always ok when friends leave. ⁣
And partners. ⁣
I have outgrown partners and then watched them launch businesses and move to the place of their dreams as a result of our breakup. ⁣

I always trust it. ⁣


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