I have often felt like I’ve had to apologize for the size that I am.
For the way that my entrance into people’s lives seems to shake them up, show them things they would rather not have seen.
I literally sometimes want to be like “I am sorry that you know me because you didn’t choose this”
Though I have to imagine that their souls did.
This is all well and good when you hire me to guide you
Or when you choose to follow me on the internet.
But it’s harder when the people that are affected are my family.
Or my family’s friends.
Or my friends or my partners.
Or my partner’s family or friends.
When I started posting about menstrual blood a few years ago my ex’s mom completely turned on me.
We had been friends but suddenly she found me disgusting.
I went to her house for dinner and she and her family wouldn’t speak to me the entire time.
They were Catholic.
I have actually never had that happen before or since, to sit at a table with people where everyone ignored me.
I mean I would never stay for that now.
But at the time I didn’t know how to react and I was still trying to be acceptable so I was just nice and friendly and asked questions while everyone ignored my existence. Literally pretended I was not there.
Me posting about my body and my blood was too much for her.
It touched on things about her body and her life that she did not want to see.
It is funny to me now but at the time it broke my heart.
The bigger that I get and the more I step into my full size the harder this is for me on a really human level.
The truth that me expressing myself is going to mean losing people.
Because when people do not want to see something about themselves and their lives they will demonize the thing that is showing it to them.
And when someone’s life is really out of alignment it is hard to even be around someone like me.
I really get it.
And I am beginning to understand that that is just the path of my soul.
I could never do anything else.
And it is so hard for my human.
I have been so cautious about letting people know about what I do.
And people always ask. My dentist the nail tech the doctor the Uber driver.
And unless they seem like they would be able to feel it I usually brush it off.
Because people usually are not asking for their perception of the world to be challenged.
For a long time I have been able to hold both.
To do what I do online and to make myself more appealing and still acceptable to the people in my life.
And I am realizing that I just cannot do that anymore.
Because actually that has not been loving to me.
Fully loving and committing to myself means that some people will not be able to be around it or even witness it.
I am always ok when friends leave.
I have outgrown partners and then watched them launch businesses and move to the place of their dreams as a result of our breakup.
I always trust it.