I have never owned shorts like this in my life
I have never ever owned shorts like this in my life.
I had Rules.
About what looked good on me.
Light colored solid leggings were out. They showed every ounce of cellulite.
No matter how pretty I thought the colors were they were a No.
Spandex shorts of this length??? Forget it.
I have short legs.
I only ever wore the shortest shorts imaginable.
They made my legs look longer.
I have started gently adding in some movement.
My body is in a lot of pain.
I have not moved in months.
I am 50% heavier than I have ever been.
I haven’t weighed myself in weeks so now maybe it is more than that.
My body needs to learn how to adjust to moving at this new weight.
This looks like walking and very gentle (think floor) yoga.
This has been the hardest thing most humbling thing ever for my former athlete self.
Movement has been my thing. For my entire life. Everything strength based I immediately excelled at.
To be clear you can be fat and be in super great shape.
I just have added 70+ lbs to my body in 6 months and during that time I have basically been lying in bed because it was all I could manage to just eat.
So now me and my body are beginning to move again. In ways that feel good.
Relearning movement for the joy of how it feels and for no other reason.
It is a new relationship. One I have never had.
Exercise was always punishment or discipline or force or making myself look good and feel strong masked as fun which was really just upholding my ego.
Well now my ego is in a puddle on the floor since I can barely stretch without it hurting.
And that is ok.
Yesterday I went for a walk and I realized I have no shorts that are comfortable to walk in.
It was obvious.
I needed LONG shorts.
Long tight spandex shorts.
That I would never have been caught dead wearing before.
You may remember a couple months ago I went into this store and tried on shorts like this.
They have dressing rooms that have mirrors only outside of the rooms.
Everything you try on you must go out in front of everyone to see.
Last time I had the worst time, did not buy shorts, and came home and sobbed.
Because everything looked bad. I looked fat. What had happened to my body.
Well a lot has shifted in two months and yesterday I went back.
I bought 5 pairs of shorts like this.
All in bright and fun colors.
Even a pair in white.
I tried on black shorts automatically because “black looks good, it is slimming, it hides things” and when I looked in the mirror I just felt sad.
I didn’t want black shorts. I wanted the pretty colors.
So I put them back.
And I felt this new kind of freedom I have never felt.
I got home and I burst into tears of happiness, this time.
And I said to Jordan. I never let myself buy shorts like this because they made me look short and fat.
Well now I AM short and fat.
So it doesn’t matter.
And now I can wear the pretty colors.
These are extremely comfortable.
I can move in them.
I got leggings in this color too bc it is my favorite.
Last time I was at the store I was so convinced everyone was staring at me.
I was the fattest one there.
I was embarrassed talking to the skinny women working there. I did not want their help and I wanted everyone to leave me alone and I did not want to look in the mirror in front of everyone.
Yesterday I had three women helping me and I couldn’t tell you what size they were and they were all extremely sweet and I did not hesitate at all saying “do you have this in an XXL?” And I did not care about trying things on in the open.
I have actually been feeling called to share less lately.
I don’t know what it is.
There is so much beauty in my life right now that in ways it feels unspeakable.
I don’t yet know what that will look like over the coming months.
But this was such a big moment I wanted to share it with you.
If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:
– Our minds do not know better than our bodies
– I did not know I was restricting food
– Here are some hints you have disordered eating
– The first time I finally felt full – crying while eating a burger
– Everything to do with my food journey & weight gain in chronological order