I can just let this in, everything I’ve ever wanted

Today I had 7 poop buckets to take out, in the rain. 

It was my turn but we were post-wedding and then sick and it just hadn’t happened yet. 

Jordan was on a call and I thought, well, so what if it’s raining. We leave tomorrow. 

I could leave them but I’ll still have to take care of them when we return. 

So I went, my hair up, one heavy bucket at a time. Our kitchen compost, smelly and full of mold it had been sitting so long, making me gag. 

It was pouring. It was muddy. And the buckets were harder to empty and they were slippery in the rain to hold. 

And I was walking up and down to the hose to rinse and back. And I noticed the light under the house was on which normally would make my brain go intruders!! But I was like no brain we are not doing this in the middle of this process. So I went over and turned off the light. 

And my back was aching and I was covered in rain and sweat and mud and hay and probably poop dust. 

And as I lifted another bucket suddenly I realized how much I was fighting the whole thing. 

How tight my body was. How my entire mental train of thought was “I don’t like this I don’t like this why is it raining it’s so muddy this is hard I don’t like this why can’t Jordan do it I don’t want to do it.”

And I paused and I was like, wow. 

Completely neutrally. 

Just, wow. I am really fighting this moment. 

And I was like what if I could just let it in instead. 

And I squatted down next to the compost

And I looked up at the rain coming down through the plum tree blossoms 

And I felt it landing on my skin. 

I looked at the tombstones across the street and wondered if anyone was laughing, watching me, dumping our poop in the rain into bins. 

I looked around my feet at the different colored flowers and the grass that seemed to have tripled in size overnight. 

And I smelled the faint hint of compost and all our waste turning into dark rich soil. 

And I thought can I just let this in 

Everything I’ve wanted. 

The rain on this island we live on while I prepare to go on my honeymoon with my husband tomorrow. 

The mud on my pants and my arms. 

My sweaty rain covered hair. 

And my body softened, opened. 

And tears came up in my eyes. 

And my body trembled a bit and I thought how can I let this all in, really – it’s so much. It’s just so much to receive. 

I made the most money I have ever made last month. 

I am starting a garden and learning to compost. 

My body can do things in the rain. 

I have a husband and a honeymoon

And I am so loved. 

I have really been working with this one. “People really love me.” Instead of my past narrative, which was everybody hates me, I should expect people to hate me. 

There is no actual work I am doing other than just acknowledging a fact. 

Instead of my mind trying to find all the evidence to prove it’s favorite old story correct – I am more and more often finding myself go – wow I am so loved. 

People really love me. 

Noticing how the sensation of “no one likes me” is like a fight, irritation, I’ll show them! A rising of heat and tightening of the body

And the sensation of “people really love me” is a widening, a softening and a deep inhale. And a bit of a question mark, from myself to myself – is this okay?

I am learning so much and I have been given so much. And the birth of this is just beginning. 


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