I had an orgasm from my neck being kissed the other day.
Yep – a full-body, long, tingly orgasm just from Jordan kissing a spot on my neck.
I talk a lot about how our potential for pleasure is infinite. What I mean by that is that our capacity for pleasure is never-ending, ever-increasing, and our bodies will continually show us more, the more we connect with them.
I have not always been super orgasmic.
Five or six years ago, I could only orgasm from touching my clitoris in one particular way. I often fantasized when I self-pleasured, and I could typically only orgasm from oral if I was fantasizing at the same time. My orgasms were a few seconds long. There was always a sharp peak and a crash. I rarely had multiple orgasms – at that point, it had happened maybe once or twice in my life.
Most people would have told me I was “normal.” And I absolutely was, if you go by the experience of most people and what doctors say.
But here’s what I know to be true: Today, I regularly have orgasms that last for minutes at a time. I have had internal orgasms, squirting orgasms, nipple orgasms, energetic orgasms (orgasms that happen without being physically touched), and more.
I can have multiple orgasms whenever I want, and at times it feels like they could literally continue forever (as in, I could keep orgasming for hours if I chose to).
My orgasms have different qualities – sometimes they have an intense peak, sometimes they have mountains and valleys of tingles, sometimes they make me laugh out loud or cry or growl in pleasure.
My body regularly brings me to new heights and experiences of pleasure that I could never have imagined were possible.
In my world, THIS is “normal.”
I used to think it would feel soooo exhausting to have minutes-long orgasms. I used to think it would require way too much effort. I used to think it wouldn’t be worth it.
None of that was true.
My capacity for pleasure continually makes me feel in awe at myself and at life. I feel re-energized and reawakened creatively. I feel regularly brought to tears by the abilities of my body. Don’t discount the power you can feel by connecting more deeply with yourself.
It does take some time to rewire these pathways in your brain.
You can shift the quality of your orgasm immediately just by trying these tips – and you might find that it unlocks another type of orgasm for you right away.
But pleasure is an ongoing, upward path. I started doing sexual energy practices in 2016, and every few months since then it seems like I experience something new, that my body couldn’t do before. And that was with super haphazard practice – I didn’t start consistently working with it until 2018!
Everyone’s journey will be different. But these are the things I’ve found need to happen in order to have more incredible orgasms:
1. Clear away old trauma/patternings
Almost all of us carry some type of trauma, and whether that trauma was sexual in nature or not, it will get in the way of your body’s capacity to experience pleasure. It doesn’t even have to be trauma specifically – it can just be stored emotions we hold in our bodies from past experiences.
This is because when we have stored trauma/emotional experiences, there are emotions and sensations in our bodies that we are avoiding fully feeling. And we don’t get to selectively avoid things. When we avoid so-called “negative” emotions, we end up avoiding our capacity for “positive” feelings, as well.
If you can’t feel the extent of your pain, you will not be able to feel the extent of your pleasure.
This is also important because our bodies can feel more pleasure when they feel safe, and if you’ve had past experiences you haven’t worked through, it’s going to be really hard to cultivate a sense of deep safety inside your body.
You can do this with a therapist or coach – preferably someone who works somatically (in body-based ways). If that’s not an option for you, you can start by processing the emotions through your body (I have a deep-dive article on this here).
2. Breathe deeply into your body
In the Western world, most of us never breathe deeply into our bellies. We keep our breath up in our chest, we take shallow breaths, and we never extend our breath into the rest of our bodies.
Breathing deeply will help you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, it will allow you to relax and to feel into the rest of your body, and it will allow you to feel more pleasure.
3. Move the energy through your body
Sexual energy traditionally travels in a loop through your body. It starts at your cervix or perineum (if you don’t have a cervix), goes up the back of your spine, over the top of your head, and back down the front of your body. It can also move in the opposite direction.
You can practice moving this energy through your body when you’re not turned on, and just see what it feels like to connect with it and move it through you. Play with your inhale and your exhale, seeing if it feels better to inhale or to exhale as the energy moves up your spine, and which feels better to do when it goes back down the front of your body. See which direction of energy feels best in your body.
When you are turned on, see if you can move that energy of the turn on through your body in the same way. This will keep the energy in your body and allow you to have longer, more intense orgasms.
Do keep it moving through the loop – I’ve met people who were taught to only move the energy up into their head, and never bring it back down, and they end up with headaches.
You can also breathe deeply and imagine the energy extending out to all parts of your body, to your fingertips and feet. Play around with it, notice what feels good to you.
4. Be clear with your partner
If you have a ton of things built up that you’re not saying to your partner, your body will not be able to reach its full capacity for pleasure. If you don’t actually feel good in the relationship or want to be in the relationship, or if you’re not being fully met by your partner, your body will not be able to completely let go.
Multiple times, the best sex I’ve ever had has come soon after I did a clearing with my partner. This can be structured – Jordan and I do a weekly ritual where we take turns finishing the sentence “Something I want you to know is” over and over again.
The most important thing is to make sure you’re not holding anything back from your partner – secret doubts, resentment, and fears will all get in the way of you experiencing your full amount of pleasure.
5. Be clear in your life
If you’re unhappy in your career, or you hate how you spend your days, or you constantly say “yes” when your body is saying “no,” your body is going to have a hard time experiencing pleasure. Why wouldn’t it?
If you don’t have any pleasure throughout your day, your body isn’t going to suddenly turn into its multi-orgasmic best when you decide it’s time for sex.
Ultimately, the amount of pleasure you are capable of experiencing comes from you.
It has almost nothing to do with your partner. Can your partner help increase it, hold a container for you to go deeper? Of course.
But if you aren’t feeling in alignment with your life, or you’re holding onto lots of past emotions and experiences in your body, or you have things you’re avoiding, you won’t be able to increase your capacity for pleasure.
I can bring my body into states of pleasure that are just as incredible as the states I experience with Jordan. That’s why my body is able to go into those states with him, too.
You don’t need to have a goal of a certain type of orgasm, or try to make your body orgasm in a certain way. You can have the desire, and hold the intention that it’s possible, but I think it’s better to increase your capacity of pleasure overall (which you can do by trying the tips above), and let your body show you what is possible sexually.
Your body will lead you into the journey of pleasure that is meant for you.
You just have to listen to it.
I’m coming out with a new program really soon that’s going to be one of the best things I’ve ever done – make sure you sign up for my email list below to be the first to know!!