How to be the Queen of Sex: 7 ways to get everything you want & drive your partner wild

Want to feel such magnificent pleasure that you feel absolutely unstoppable?

Want to scream incredibly loudly and not care if your neighbors hear you?

Want your boyfriend to feel like he can’t keep his hands off of you and not even know why – even years into your relationship?

Want your sex life to only get better over time?

Want to desire sex wayyy more often?

Great. I hope so, because you deserve it.

My sex life today looks radically different than it looked even a few years ago, and it has largely transformed because of the tips I’m about to share with you below.

1. Embody all aspects of yourself during sex

You’ve probably been taught a very narrow definition of parts of yourself that are appropriate to reveal during sex, and it probably looks something like this: make tiny high-pitched moans, put your body in the most attractive position, and act like whatever your partner wants is also what you want.

But you have a wilder side than that. Your body might want to roar, growl, be selfish with your pleasure, tear things apart. You body might want to give in fully and be completely dominated by your partner. Your body might want to make strange expressions or move in weird ways. Your body might want to scream at a level that would typically embarrass your rational mind, or sob and wail midway through orgasm.

You are your body, and your only job is to get your mind out of the way. 

Allow room for everything. Your only rule is to follow the energy, wherever it leads you in each moment. There is no goal of orgasm or of a certain type of sex. Your partner should have no goal, either.

Sex shouldn’t be cookie-cutter or perfect. It should be an expression of your most primal self, however that looks in each moment.

2. Find your sexual shadow

What is a sexual archetype that makes you feel absolutely repulsed? That you feel entirely disgusted by, and know you could never embody or be into?

Perfect. That’s what you’re going to practice embodying, even if it’s only in your imagination.

It might be a porn star who loves giving head. It might be a little girl calling her partner “Daddy.” It might be a dominatrix, who bosses her partner around or makes him feel pain. It might be a someone who gets called a slut and lets her partner pee on her. It might be someone who has sex during her period. It could be any number of things – explore in your mind and notice what reactions you have in your body.

If you have a strong reaction to it, there’s a high chance that some part of you actually wants it. There’s a high chance that another part of you thinks the part that wants it is dangerous, gross, and wrong. And in order to become our full selves, we want to bring all parts of ourselves up to the surface, so we can get pleasure from them and integrate them into our systems.

There is a difference between neutral disinterest and the thing that has a charge – find the thing that has a charge.

When you’re around your partner next, embody that energy, even just in your mind. Imagine that you are that persona. Let your energy interact with them as if you were that persona.

I have had massive, life-changing shifts from this practice, and if you’re interested in opening up sides of your sexuality (and intense ranges of pleasure) you never knew existed, I highly recommend it.

3. Invest in your pleasure constantly

Pleasure is the source of so much feminine radiance, and pleasure doesn’t just mean sex. Pleasure means giving yourself the permission to fully, sensually enjoy everything that you truly love in life. It could be taking extra time to watch the sun rise, to mull over interesting flowers on the sidewalk, to wear the things that bring you joy. It could be eating the delicious foods you want, buying pretty things that you adore looking at, dancing naked in the bathtub, playing with your own hair and putting lotion on slowly.

Pleasure comes from feeling connected to your body and understanding what helps you feel good. And at the same time, we often can strongly resist the things we know bring us pleasure. We get caught up in the stressors of daily life – we feel like we have to “get things out of the way.”

The secret to committing to your pleasure is that the pleasure must happen all the time. Pleasure isn’t a thing that you schedule in your calendar for 30 minutes a week, and it isn’t a last resort. It must become a constant, it must become the thing you turn to in tiny moments throughout the day.

Try consistently asking yourself: What would bring me even more joy? What would make this moment even more pleasurable?

This will keep your sexual energy simmering throughout the day, it will help you desire sex more often, and it will allow you to feel deeply connected to your body and all of life.

4. Breathe your energy through your body

During any type of physical pleasure, notice what happens when you expand your breath throughout your body. This is a key to having longer orgasms, to having multiple types of orgasms, and to being able to surrender to orgasm fully. Your breath controls much of your pleasure during sex, and most people stop breathing when they orgasm, tighten up their bodies, and effectively short-circuit the orgasm – that’s why you might only feel your orgasm for seconds in your pussy instead of for minutes throughout your entire body.

There are two main ways to do this. The first is to move your breath to other parts of your body. Take slow, deep breaths, and notice where you’re feeling it physically in your body – you’ll probably initially feel it in your diaphragm (because that’s where the breath actually is). Then notice if you can imagine the breath expanding more and more outwardly – through your arms, down your legs, in your pussy.

The other way is to breathe your sexual energy through a circuit. This circuit begins at your cervix, and travels in a loop up your spine to the top of your head, and back down the front of your body to your cervix (it can also go in the other direction). This type of breath can create so much lasting energy throughout the day – when I’ve done it late at night I’ve actually not been able to sleep, fair warning.

For both of these, especially during sex, focus on breathing the energy of your turn-on throughout your body. So you’ll be connecting with the feeling you initially have in your pussy when you’re turned on – maybe a tingly, heavy, or warm feeling, whatever it is for you – and you’ll see if you can breathe into that energy and move it through your body that way.

You can do these without feeling sexual, you can do it during self pleasure, and you can also do it during sex.

It will take practice, especially if you’ve never done any type of body/breath work before, but eventually it will become instinct.

5. Self pleasure slowly and differently

If the current way you self pleasure is about orgasming as quickly as possible, fantasizing or watching porn, using a toy, and always happens in the same exact way, you might want to consider changing it up.

Our brains learn that our route to orgasm is the way we self pleasure. This is really important, because it means that if we self pleasure with our mind elsewhere (meaning, disconnected from the actual physical sensations in our bodies) and try to make orgasm happen quickly, that will always show up in some way during sex.

Try setting aside 30-60 minutes for a self-pleasure practice. Make it as fulfilling as possible – light candles, use oil, put on music if you want to, really intend to connect with your body and slow down. Touch your entire body gently and notice the kinds of touch that your body prefers in the current moment (and notice in the future how it can change day by day). If you tune out and your mind wanders, just observe that – and then bring it back to the physical sensations you’re noticing.

There’s nothing wrong with a quick orgasm or using a vibrator, but if you’re not satisfied with how your orgasms feel during sex (and especially if the idea of spending an hour self-pleasuring makes you feel annoyed), it’s a good idea to do a reset by spending a few months reconnecting with your pleasure.

6. Speak your needs

This goes both for sex and in every area of your life. Dissonance with your partner and in the rest of your life will show up in your sex life, no exceptions. If you aren’t clear with yourself and listening to yourself, your sex life will feel it.

Being Queen of Sex means you understand your body so deeply (by doing your own self-pleasure practice, see above) that you know how to explain to your partner what you want. It means you ask for what you want moment to moment, even if that changes every 5 seconds. It means that you ask to pause when you aren’t clear about how your body is feeling. It means you say no and stop any sort of sexual interaction (or any interaction at all) the moment that you know you don’t really want to do it.

When we speak up for what we need, we teach our bodies they can trust us. When we teach our bodies that they can trust us, our bodies feel safe. When our bodies feel safe, they can open up to a wider range of emotion, joy, and pleasure than we’ve ever previously experienced.

7. Open your cervix

I was actually told this recently by one of my friends, but it’s already had a massive impact on my sex life, and it’s this: feel your cervix opening to your partner.

Masculine energy responds to feminine openness. There are many ways you can cultivate feminine energy in a high-polarity relationship, and I do think those should be worked with first, but this tip for me was like the icing on the cake.

Your cervix is the entrance to your womb. Your cervix is the entrance to the part of your body that literally creates life. Imagining your cervix opening to your partner is like the ultimate trusting – giving him full, energetic access to the part of you that creates and births.

You can imagine this throughout the day, but especially during sex. If he’s at all connected to you and your energy, he will feel it.

The amount of pleasure I am able to feel in my body and cultivate during sex – both with and without my partner – makes me feel like I can do anything I want.

I know how to use my pleasure to create more energy in my day-to-day life, transform parts of myself, and get what I want.

And mostly, it makes me feel completely, thoroughly alive – like every part of life is magical, and that I have influence on the way my life is created.

No one teaches this to us – in fact, you may have realized it is actively discouraged in society, and this is the first time in human history that women are completely free to explore it.

It would make sense if you felt scared to step into it.

And what I want you to know is that you can choose.

You can choose any moment that you want to decide your pleasure matters fully, and your control over your life matters fully. The old beliefs are just that – old.

And you can choose to step into new experiences any time you want.


If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:

You can get wet every single time you have sex

How to have super long orgasms (and what they actually sound like)

The difference between submission and surrender

You were never a virgin and nothing was ever taken from you

Last night he drowned between my legs