There have been many moments like this, the past few days.
We are both moving through a lot. Jordan said this morning, it feels like we are going through a death and rebirth cycle together.
It always panicked me with past partners, to go through such periods of growth – because it usually meant we were growing apart. But not this time. It feels like we are both becoming more of ourselves, and it is so true for our deepest selves to be together.
It feels like we are both moving through losses of our independent selves. In preparing to buy a house, mesh more parts of our work together (yes, we have some things to announce soon)… this feeling of oh, woah, we’re actually doing this.
And we are losing our fake senses of self. The pieces of us that were created to compensate for losses in childhood, for ways we were treated. For me it’s this badass, strong dark woman who gets fully attached to no one. For Jordan it’s the lone wolf who would make millions of dollars and see sex workers forever.
They were already dying, when we entered into relationship. But now as these softer pieces of us come out more and more – there is a mutual sweetness and vulnerability. A wait, you’re really going to be here? We are actually trusting each other this much? You are committed to doing this work with me forever?
We’ve spent time like this together and also time apart, solo hotel stays to move through the parts that need to be processed on our own. Jordan is going tonight, for two nights. I told someone I was at a hotel a couple days ago and they were like “oh no, how come?”
We don’t go away because we are fighting. Ever. We go away because we are so in love and recognize when we need space to feel ourselves without the other.
It’s going to be such a big year for both of us. Deepening into responsibility and commitment.
I love this man. And I love his willingness to sit in the fire with me as all of these pieces of ourselves fall away.