I have gained around 14 pounds in the last two months.
It’s hard to say exactly; weighing myself wasn’t a big habit of mine. But my weight has hovered around 133 for the past 5 or 6 years (aside from a few months years ago where I was lifting a ton and it got up to 138 or so). And I think I last knew my weight when I went to the doctor last summer, so 133 is what I’m going with as a starting number.
I am 5’3″. I had never seen above 142 on a scale in my life, and that number was when I was in my first semester of college and was drinking pretty much every night. I remember being horrified by that number, and thinking I better get it back down.
Yesterday I weighed 149.
I am excited to cross 150.
It has been strange, to purposely do something most people think is the worst thing ever to do.
I didn’t know how much conditioning I had around gaining weight until I actually started to gain weight.
How much was buried, unconsciously, ruling my life without me knowing it.
I’ve been watching my thoughts as they come in, pulling them apart, noticing what my mind wants to do with this experience.
I would never have told you at any point in my life that I was trying to be skinny.
To me it felt like I was naturally skinny, like I naturally stopped eating when I was full, like I enjoyed working out.
But in really nourishing my body. Really feeding myself. Really noticing how hungry I actually am, uncovering the hunger signals I’ve shoved down and buried and made wrong.
It feels like my body has been desperate this entire time. Probably my entire life.
Desperate to be fed and nourished and allowed to be itself.
I know my body is putting on weight as fast as it can, now that I am actually eating. I can feel it – like this deep starvation that won’t go away now that I’m letting it be felt.
It feels like my body is collecting everything, protecting itself, like this might be the only time it gets fed ever again.
Never before have I been so giving. Dairy, sugar, oysters, organ meats, tropical fruit.
My body wants the most nutrient-dense and calorie-dense foods possible. I was offered salad at a restaurant yesterday, I actually turned it down. Raw leaves sound like literally the most unappealing thing possible in this moment. My body wants to chug milk.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
I realized last week that my underwear were suddenly squeezing me. I rarely wear underwear unless it’s around my bleed or if I’m wearing a nice dress or skirt that I don’t really wash. Jordan and I were going out and I put on a dress and suddenly realized that my underwear no longer fit.
My tops suddenly hug my tummy. Some of my dresses are more form-fitting than loose.
I can feel my belly when I’m sitting, poking out a bit. Taking up room.
Yesterday I went shopping.
I wanted to find new clothes that I felt good wearing.
I have been loving the way my body has been changing. This is separate from the things my mind does, when it pops in to say, “Isn’t this a bit much,” “What if it doesn’t stop,” “This is the worst thing you could ever choose to do,” “You’re going to ruin everything.”
The deep down way I feel much of the time is that I adore this.
I feel happier throughout the day. I no longer have big mood swings. I feel so loved by myself. I notice my butt is fuller and rounder and nicer to touch, I feel my belly getting so soft.
I used to lie flat on my back and feel proud of how my stomach sank away into nothing; now I lie there and feel the curves that stay with so much appreciation.
I had another bleed that was way less intense than usual.
I feel like woman.
And I also hadn’t been doing too much looking in the mirror, other than in my own room, with natural light.
So I went shopping and I didn’t expect it to be a big deal.
Except it was a big deal.
Because it wasn’t as simple as I imagined. I thought I would go, and just buy the same things I usually did, just up a size.
But instead I realized that now that I didn’t wear a small, I actually had no clue what my size would be.
I would hold something up and think “this looks huge for me” and try it on and it would be too tight.
I realized that they didn’t really carry anything bigger than a medium in most of the stores I like to shop.
I wanted to try on the large? Lol. Rarely possible.
I went into a store and tried on the same athletic shorts I bought last summer, except I needed the ones that were 2 sizes bigger than the ones I own.
And then I realized that their super low waist style doesn’t really look right on me anymore, and that a high waist would probably be more flattering.
And I looked at the backs of my legs in the fitting room mirror with the florescent lighting and my entire butt and backs of my legs were covered in cellulite. Which I had also never seen before in my life.
It is really wild to do this “on purpose.”
I can feel the part of my mind that would like to “fix it” before it is “too late.”
To do some butt workouts, build up muscle – at least if we are gaining weight, we should gain some muscle to hide the fat.
I have to really watch this part of my mind because it will chime in throughout the day when it is time to eat.
It will say things like, “I don’t feel like eating yet,” or “That is a big enough portion. You eat too much.”
My priority right now is calories. Like, the more calories, the better, because I am still always hungry.
And it is surprisingly hard to do, because parts of me don’t want to think about food so much, parts of me want to sabotage it.
I counted how many calories I ate on a day I actually felt close to full, and I had eaten close to 5000 calories in one day. I tracked some other days last week just to see, and I was at around 3500 – which is not enough even though it feels like so much food to my brain. Because it leaves me still extremely hungry.
I spent $500 on swimsuits in one store since their fitting rooms weren’t open during covid and I couldn’t try them on. I then came home and tried them on and then spent another $2500 online, because I had to order three of every item, in all different sizes, because I don’t know for sure what size I am.
I also expect I will still keep gaining weight for a bit and by the time they arrive I might weigh more.
I will return almost all of these items. And this was important for me to do, even though it felt a bit ridiculous.
I had a moment at checkout where I was like, is this necessary? And then I was like, it really is – because I want to have clothes that I feel really great in during this process.
It feels kind to myself. Especially during summer.
I can also feel a sneaky desire my mind has to just cover up my body now that I am “fat.” Like, I shouldn’t buy clothes that show off my body, no one wants to see that. I should wear baggy things, one-pieces, things that are more “appropriate.” I shouldn’t try to wear attractive things.
Again, I didn’t actually know I had these thoughts, so they are wild to watch.
And obviously I am not listening to them. The true thing is that I want beautiful swimsuits and underwear and clothing that really celebrates where my body is at.
Luckily I already tended to wear a lot of loose, flowy clothing – so a lot of it still does fit at the moment.
My belly has grown by 3 or 4 inches, depending on the day (and I suppose how bloated I am). My new scale came with a tape measure so I was able to measure. And I have always known my measurements.
I have started to hear comments from other people.
Things like “what if you don’t stop gaining?” “aren’t you worried about your health?” “sugar isn’t good you know” “what if you become a whale?”
I have actually really found it fascinating. I haven’t been bothered by any comments yet (though I have had to set some boundaries with strangers in my online spaces).
It has been interesting to hear how people close to me react – because from some of them, I can hear my own conditioning echoed back to me. And that actually just feels validating – like yes, I did receive these messages all the time growing up, and wow, I am opting out.
I feel a sense of ease in my body that I’ve never had before.
Like it feels as though my body can take up room and that is allowed.
And in noticing that, I’ve been wondering about why I felt like being tiny was the best possible thing to be.
I can feel the ego hit it used to give me to see my lean and toned stomach, to see my muscles – almost like proof I was working hard, was disciplined, was good at life.
How excited I would feel when I felt my hip bones and how small I was.
How good it felt to be a size small, to often choose the smallest size they had available.
And now I am like… why?
I can feel that that is the correct most desirable thing.
And the way I feel in my body is different.
It is the same with noticing the cellulite all over my butt and thighs.
I know it is “better” for it to look strong and smooth. At least, according to my mind.
And I like my cellulite better. That feels weird to say. And it’s true.
My butt and legs feel better to touch. I feel more comfortable being inside my body.
Jordan keeps saying my legs look like the ocean.
I feel more like nature. It actually looks more beautiful to the deeper part of me.
And it is still a bit of a conflict between the deeper part of me and my mind.
Not-so-coincidentally, I have also been doing a lot of work with my inner teenager. I met her for the first time a couple weeks ago, when I realized she wanted to sabotage everything I am doing.
I embodied her and felt how much she absolutely hated me.
She does not want us to gain weight or get engaged to a man who loves her so much or be so feminine.
And underneath that she is actually in a ton of pain. Pain that I really hadn’t touched so much, even in all the work I’ve done.
It feels like I am uncovering a whole deeper layer of my body and everything is intertwined.
She is cautiously on board at the moment. And there is lots left to do, for me to really love her well.
Someone asked me today if I’ve had any insecurities come up in my relationship because of this. Which made me laugh. I think Jordan and I will do a video on this soon.
But for now I will summarize it to say – Jordan is extremely thrilled. So I haven’t had a moment of feeling less attractive, because he thinks I look more attractive than ever.
Also I think so too! When my mind is not trying to judge it.
I feel like I have paid a lot of lip service to loving my body over the years.
And in some ways I really was loving it more and more. But really I think I was “loving” it by trying to make it do what I wanted.
And this, now, instead, feels truly loving.
I can feel it in my belly. The permission to be.
It’s hard to predict what my journey will be. I know for others this process has taken over year, to gain safety weight and then lose whatever your body naturally wants to lose to find its comfortable set point.
I don’t know how much more weight I’ll gain. And that is totally okay with me.
I have moments where I am afraid of losing it, which is funny. Like I feel protective over the way my body feels right now – I don’t really want it to go back to how it was. I feel good at this weight.
I feel curious to see what I look like when I am even heavier.
I have a really deep trust in my body to find the place that is best for it.
It feels like I am finally listening.