I did not know I was restricting food

What I want you to understand

Is that I did not know I was restricting


I did not sit down to each meal and think

I will eat less

I ate what I wanted

I said

I ate how much I wanted

What I wanted was just tiny

Because I was a



What I wanted was


With a capital


depending on which way of eating

Was the correct way

That day

And it was normalized.


Let me read the nutrition label on everything

And they said

It is not bad to want to change your body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It can be Fun!!!

You will be thinking about food


You will be analyzing your diet


You will be tracking your movement


But it will be


The cure to your health problems is


Let us laugh


At how much I want sugar but I cannot have it

At how bad I was today, for eating

Let us bond

Over control

Over good

And bad


I didn’t know how many Rules I had

How many bites of desserts was too much

How many glasses of milk was too much

The right snacks to eat

Until I put everything on the table

And let my body


And felt the terror of what it might be like

To let her take over

To admit that my mind

Had not done the best job after all

There is a lot to come undone.

We all have it.

Smaller = better

Purer = better


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Our minds do not know better than our bodies

How food became neutral to me

The journey of eating more has been long and slow

I do not miss being skinny

Everything to do with my food journey & weight gain in chronological order