Choosing peace over chaos

My life is so… peaceful. ⁣

This is one of the things I value most. ⁣

Jordan and I have been talking about what he calls “adrenalizing” and what I have referred to as “running on empty.”⁣

As I was on my walk this morning I was remembering how high and low my life used to be. ⁣

Up or down. Rising and crashing. Running last minute for things. Creating provocative posts mostly to enjoy the reaction from people. Getting in arguments. Having my life just be in a total state of chaos. ⁣

And I love the chaos, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in a home we lovingly termed as “chaos.” Loud voices talking over one another, people in and out all the time. It can be fun and I still love it from time to time. ⁣

But something that happened once I was fully fed is that I started really valuing my peace. ⁣

Things just didn’t seem as big of a deal anymore. ⁣
I wasn’t nearly as reactive. ⁣
Life stopped seeming so.. intense. ⁣

And I began to just opt out of things. ⁣
Opting out of fighting with that person. ⁣
Opting out of drama. ⁣
Opting out of letting my gas tank get to empty or waiting til the last moment to eat or letting my money feel tight. ⁣
Opting out of big dramatic emotional responses. ⁣

“Fat and happy” used to feel so cliche to me but it became true. ⁣

Obviously you do not need to be fat to be fed and calm and in a state of peace. ⁣

But that was what happened. ⁣

I used to think it was the external circumstances of my life that determined whether my life was chaotic or not. People dying, things “going wrong.”⁣
I had a lot of that. ⁣

Now I can look back at it and see where I chose my life being stressful. Where I chose to let myself get to empty. Where it was just so habitual and so familiar that it felt better, even. More natural. ⁣

And now when I look around me I notice that that doesn’t happen anymore. ⁣

I’m just… not interested. ⁣

I spend most of my time in nature or in our cute little home or with my husband. ⁣

Even Jordan and I no longer have fights. ⁣

We never fought much to begin with, but we did occasionally have fights that felt intense and significant. ⁣

The biggest “fight” I can remember having in the last year was the other night when we bickered about something I can’t even remember when we were about to go to sleep and then 5 minutes later he started laughing and then I laughed and we cuddled and apologized for being snippy. ⁣

I remember sitting with a therapist years ago and she was saying something about my need to live in stress and create drama for myself and I had this moment of… well life sounds really boring without all the chaos. ⁣
I don’t know if I could choose to not have it.⁣

I still have moments obviously where I rush or I get too hungry or whatever else. ⁣
But most of the time I am struck by how just completely calm my life is. ⁣

It’s enjoyable and fun and things just aren’t a big deal. ⁣
There is room to feel the emotions of things that feel big for me to move through. ⁣
But I am really able to just turn my mind off. ⁣

It took time. ⁣
But when I look around me now I am like… wow this is just so beautiful. ⁣
I wouldn’t have imagined it was possible for me. ⁣
Because I couldn’t imagine the woman I would have to become in order to have it.


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