Choosing peace over chaos
My life is so… peaceful.
This is one of the things I value most.
Jordan and I have been talking about what he calls “adrenalizing” and what I have referred to as “running on empty.”
As I was on my walk this morning I was remembering how high and low my life used to be.
Up or down. Rising and crashing. Running last minute for things. Creating provocative posts mostly to enjoy the reaction from people. Getting in arguments. Having my life just be in a total state of chaos.
And I love the chaos, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in a home we lovingly termed as “chaos.” Loud voices talking over one another, people in and out all the time. It can be fun and I still love it from time to time.
But something that happened once I was fully fed is that I started really valuing my peace.
Things just didn’t seem as big of a deal anymore.
I wasn’t nearly as reactive.
Life stopped seeming so.. intense.
And I began to just opt out of things.
Opting out of fighting with that person.
Opting out of drama.
Opting out of letting my gas tank get to empty or waiting til the last moment to eat or letting my money feel tight.
Opting out of big dramatic emotional responses.
“Fat and happy” used to feel so cliche to me but it became true.
Obviously you do not need to be fat to be fed and calm and in a state of peace.
But that was what happened.
I used to think it was the external circumstances of my life that determined whether my life was chaotic or not. People dying, things “going wrong.”
I had a lot of that.
Now I can look back at it and see where I chose my life being stressful. Where I chose to let myself get to empty. Where it was just so habitual and so familiar that it felt better, even. More natural.
And now when I look around me I notice that that doesn’t happen anymore.
I’m just… not interested.
I spend most of my time in nature or in our cute little home or with my husband.
Even Jordan and I no longer have fights.
We never fought much to begin with, but we did occasionally have fights that felt intense and significant.
The biggest “fight” I can remember having in the last year was the other night when we bickered about something I can’t even remember when we were about to go to sleep and then 5 minutes later he started laughing and then I laughed and we cuddled and apologized for being snippy.
I remember sitting with a therapist years ago and she was saying something about my need to live in stress and create drama for myself and I had this moment of… well life sounds really boring without all the chaos.
I don’t know if I could choose to not have it.
I still have moments obviously where I rush or I get too hungry or whatever else.
But most of the time I am struck by how just completely calm my life is.
It’s enjoyable and fun and things just aren’t a big deal.
There is room to feel the emotions of things that feel big for me to move through.
But I am really able to just turn my mind off.
It took time.
But when I look around me now I am like… wow this is just so beautiful.
I wouldn’t have imagined it was possible for me.
Because I couldn’t imagine the woman I would have to become in order to have it.
If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:
– Gender, trans children, and reverence of the feminine
– Reflections on hiring help & pre-conception time
– Having it all the way, writing the future, & my current life