All my life I’ve been touched in ways that weren’t about my pleasure.
I always felt like men were touching me because they wanted me to be ready for sex.
The goal of touch was for me to finally be wet so that then they could have sex with me (if they decided to wait that long).
Even when I had partners who cared about me, it still felt like they were touching me with the goal of getting me to orgasm… so that then we could have sex.
My body learned that men don’t actually want to spend lots of time bringing me pleasure. My body learned that I’m a tool for their pleasure, and that’s all.
I can count on one hand the times with past lovers that I’ve been touched in a way that was solely about bringing me pleasure.
The times that weren’t just because I asked for it, but because they wanted to be doing it.
I can feel the difference. When a man is present in his body, he’s super present to my reactions, and it feels like every touch is infused with love.
Like he just genuinely adores feeling every part of my body and absorbing the moment. He has no agenda.
I’ve spent the past 2+ weeks with a lover who wants to spend hours of our time touching me in this way. It’s brought up so much stored emotion for me.
As I’ve cried and cried he’s said, “Watching your pleasure brings me pleasure. You are so beautiful. This is nourishing to me.”
It is unfathomable to him that I’ve had partners who didn’t want to do what brought me the most pleasure. He never expects anything more to happen than what is happening in the moment.
I found this once I finally fully believed in my body that I deserved it. Once I decided I wouldn’t settle for anything less. And once I believed that men that could fully meet me (in this way and others) existed.
Your pleasure matters. You deserve to have hours upon hours spent exploring your body and learning about and feeling your pleasure.
And you deserve not to settle for anything less