My little girl is dropping away.
A few weeks ago I took part in a David Deida workshop, where I felt into the full power of my feminine expression. Where I met Jordan as a woman, sexually – where I showed up in my full responsibility for my energy.
I turned 28 this year. And in a way, when I look back through my twenties, I see a girl who accomplished many things but who never wanted to take full responsibility for her power.
I spilled it all over the place. I projected it everywhere.
I blew up my life so many times. All in beautiful ways, needed ways – but blew it up nonetheless. Even with the many times I’ve gone viral – I always knew I was calling that energy in, in some way. But I didn’t want to admit to it.
It was easier to play dumb, even with myself, to say “I don’t know why they’re so bothered by me!” … all the while knowing exactly why they were so bothered by me.
And I liked eliciting that attention. That part of me, like an angsty teenager – wanting to tell everyone how they’re wrong, provoking them.
When I was younger, “irresponsible” was the main thing I was called by my family.
“Irresponsible” when I lost things, when I forgot to do things, when I made bad decisions, when I was being myself.
So in a way, I chose to shun responsibility. “Responsibility” became the one thing I did not want in my life.
I did not want to commit to things. I did not want to schedule things. I did not want to deal with things.
It’s funny, because the way I originally met Jordan was when I hired him for a coaching session, back in 2017. I felt so overwhelmed by my life, was trying to start my own business and finish school and all the things. I told him that I was miserable, being back in school for the fourth time. But I didn’t think I could quit AGAIN. How irresponsible was that?
“I feel like I can’t commit to things,” I said.
“You don’t strike me as the type of person who can’t commit to things,” he said. “Do you want to build the skill of finishing things that make you miserable?”
I did not.
The thing was, I was never actually irresponsible. I never actually couldn’t commit to things.
The truth was that I refused to spend any time in a situation that no longer felt true.
I was committed to that – I was committed to what felt true. I would never abandon that.
But still, it was a story I held about myself. Because it was what had been told to me.
And in a way I learned that being in my little girl energy was how I received love. I took it on as an identity – I couldn’t cook, I didn’t know how to clean, I don’t want to do things I don’t want to do, let’s do spur-of-the-moment everything, isn’t this fun?! Let’s not think about the future, let’s burn things down when they’re no longer true, let’s never sit within discomfort.
I started to drop this when I started dating Jordan. For the first time in my life, suddenly I wanted to settle in a place. I wanted to live with him. I wanted (want) to get married to him, to form a community, to grow roots.
I committed to Jordan in a way I’ve never fully committed to a partner. I can feel it, on a deep soul level – that this is what I want to sign up for, forever.
But interestingly, in our relationship, my little girl was SO welcomed.
For the first time ever, he LOVED all the things about myself that past partners, that my family made fun of, criticized about me.
He loved the way my voice went up and down and all over the place. He loved all the sounds I made. He loved the way I wanted to walk super slowly and exclaim about everything. He loved taking care of me. He loved the way I was forgetful, the way I was sometimes messy, the way I spilled food everywhere, the ways I reacted to my life.
Last Christmas, I remember my mom saying to him, “Well, I apologize for all of Demetra’s flaws, they’re probably my fault.” Trying to joke with him, rope him in to laughing about me.
He said, “What flaws? I love living with your daughter.”
For the first time in my life it felt like somebody deeply, truly, loved all of me. Like they would not change a thing about me. And all these parts of myself that I had labeled “dramatic” or “annoying” or “irresponsible” he just loved, until I started to relabel them myself.
And in the loving of them, some parts started to drop away.
A major way this alchemy has shown up is in our sex life. When we first met, we had a HOT Daddy/little girl dom/sub dynamic. I had barely experimented with BDSM before, because past partners weren’t really into it – and the times we tried I was mostly the dominant one. But I knew that wasn’t my preference.
With Jordan, I could be submissive. And I LOVED it.
I remember him saying to me early on, “Tell me you belong to me” and my inner feminist freaking the fuck out. And it freaked out because there was nothing that turned me on more – it was so hot to me to completely submit to him. (I even wrote some pieces about it, earlier this year, that still feel quite true).
He would regularly refer to me as “little girl” – and I would immediately melt.
I think it started to drop away for Jordan before it did for me. It wasn’t as new to him, anyway. I remember us having the most slow, long, beautiful, loving sex that we’ve probably still ever had back in April where we both cried a lot, and him saying “I want to have sex like that more often.”
But I didn’t, still. I liked the range of our sex life – like I liked that we could have that experience, and have different types of sex – but I really preferred dom/sub.
And then in August, I started working with a new teacher and started to really examine my ego, the patterns I’d created, and the way I was showing up in my life.
“Don’t kill anything,” she told me. “Things will drop away when they are no longer true.”
And this has been happening. Friends removing themselves from my life, me separating from others. Setting boundaries with family that I have never been able to set before. You may have noticed that I’ve even removed most courses from my website, just recently – as I deepen more into myself I’m finding my work wanting to come through in ways that feel much more true – the live group program I’m leading right now, for example, is the perfect example of that.
Even in that – months ago I would have told you that I didn’t want to commit to leading a live group. Because I didn’t want to have a schedule. I was afraid of myself, afraid that I couldn’t actually follow through on it.
But I did. And I cannot even explain to you how it has been the most incredible thing I’ve ever led. The women in my space are having transformations and shifts like I’ve never held. The shift from my business being all about me into it being in service to the energy moving through me has been palpable.
And I discovered I can hold it. Quite easily, actually. (There were moments in the beginning where I really had to ground my energy, but not anymore).
And then a few weeks ago, Jordan and I were doing that workshop. And a couple days afterwards, I looked at him and said: “I think I want to take a break from Daddy/little girl for a while. I want to relate to you as a woman.”
And he agreed.
I feel this shifting in all areas of my life – the shift in my energy from maiden into mother.
It won’t happen immediately, of course, but I feel a deepening of it like I’ve never experienced before. A desire to take responsibility.
We’ve been talking about buying a house and possibly having a family (later! Not soon) and I’m finding that my deepest desires right now are to garden, to connect more deeply with plants, to have my hands in the dirt.
To lead long, slow, group journeys for the incredible people in my space.
To relate to Jordan as a woman in her full power, who can take the responsibility for her full power.
I think the little girl piece has been an extremely important thing for me to alchemize. And who knows which sexual pieces will become true to explore in the future – maybe that dynamic will come back as something we play with once in a while.
But major aspects of myself are falling into place, and it feels so nourishing to my body.
Like a becoming of more of myself, letting the false pieces drop away.
If you liked this piece, you might also enjoy:
– The difference between submission & surrender
– I softened into my feminine & attracted the most incredible partner
– I used to hate cooking & think it was too girly of an activity for me
– What I want to remember: A prayer for masculine & feminine union
– Here are some things you should know about me